to know and be known.i feel a good thunderstorm coming on. bring it!
i live in a condo building on the edge of a golf course, and during the warmer months, there are these... well i guess they would be like foghorns, on the course (or perhaps nearby... honestly, i've never actually seen them) that seem to go off at random intervals. they just went off right now. at 6:25. they are very loud, yet harmonious, and could probably be mistaken for tornado/warning sirens, if only they didn't sound off when the weather is perfectly beautiful. these horns have mystified me for the past two years. i don't know where they come from, or what they mean. sometimes i wonder if i'm the only one who hears them.
i've been thinking a lot the past few days. which i suppose isn't really anything new and different for me, but... i've been thinking a lot about intimacy. i'm part of a new church (Torch), so there have been quite a number of awesome new people that have come into my life as of late... and one of the primary goals of Torch is to build intentional, deep relationships with other brothers and sisters in the Lord.
every once in awhile i get a little aerial view of how much i lack in building relationships. it's like i get to a certain level of intimacy with a person, and i just don't know how to go any deeper. surely there is much more to know about this person! only, does my knowing more about them equate to us having a more intimate relationship? these are things i've been trying to work through in my own heart lately. what is intimacy?
i knew this guy once who, when we spoke, i felt really... known. it was funny, because we really never got to know much about each other, and yet... he seemed to understand my ways. i would tell him little, insignificant things about my life, and after months of not talking at all, he would mention them in conversation with such care and thoughtfulness, it was as if they were precious jewels to him. whenever i would spend time with him, i would leave feeling like i had just spent time with Jesus. he just seemed to get me in the same way the Lord does, not only wanting to know *what* i did, but even more *why* i did it.
that experience left an impression on my heart that maybe is some key to all of this. a key to intimacy with people, with the Lord. not just knowing what a Person does, but seeking to know why He does it. this must have been the difference between Moses and the rest of the Israelites: "He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel" - Psalm 103:7. one cared about the heart of God, the others only the acts of God. one cared about knowing the Person, and the rest were content to name drop.
even though i'm sure i've perpetuated superficial relationships many a time in life, it's not what i really want. in my heart, i WANT to be known, and i WANT to know the Lord, and people. there is just this fear... fear of rejection... that if i peel away the layers and let you see the deepest parts of myself, the parts that are broken and unkempt and kind of ugly, you won't really want to know me. i've had multiple occasions in life... even in recent life, where it's just been too much for someone. then the question becomes, "Lord, am I too much for someone?"
i don't really know the answer, but i do know that i am getting better at being who i am before the Lord. He knows me better than i know myself and, if it never rings true with a man or with other relationships in this life, i know that i'm not too much for Him. He sees my darkness. He knows my weaknesses, yet He loves me all the same. i am dark, yet lovely.
that's all for now.
3 comments:
my dear, you are a joy in my life. a bright spot in so many days of my memory. you have never been a burden or seemed "too much" for me. in fact, those moments when you have been the most vulnerable are the ones that I look on with the most fondness.
though.. I do know what you mean. I have a terrible time with intimacy. with being real. with letting people see what's really going on inside of me. I'm always afraid: afraid of being needy, of being a burden, of making someone tire of me.
my opinion on the matter? all of that, all the negative feelings about letting people see your heart? they're from the pit of you know where.
I want to encourage you. you are lovely. inside and out. and you are one of the dearest and best friends I have ever known.
love you.
Bring it on Steph. You're stuck with me, for better or worse.
I think I put it best when I told you that I'd defend you even if I thought you were wrong.
I've been thinking about that concept a lot. Especially as it relates to marriage, the most intimate of relationships on earth. There's an 80s tune that goes "Let me come along, 'cause even if you're wrong, I'll stand by you." That is what I'm called to do for Robert. Stand by him no matter what, forsaking all others.
While he must always come first in that sense, I'd like to think that I'm pretty committed to you too my darling. I think you're awesome. You are a gift in my life, and no ugliness left over by the marks of sin can blurr that fact. I'm also not completely sanctified yet, and I'm scared to show that to people too. It's hard.
I guess I'll take it full circle and say, "You're stuck with me."
You have good friends, Steph, do you know that? :) And you ARE lovely, inside and out, and your friendship has been such a gift to me.
I loved your post... so much of it resonates with my own fears... What a perfect way to state it: "Am I too much for someone?" Sometimes I'm pretty sure it's true. Happy-ness unleashed is fairly bizarre, and the dark side isn't very pretty... but you know what I'm finding? for all that there's darkness to which He still needs to bring light - the part of me that IS lit? (stage whisper:) i really like her...
So here's to being gardens locked up, and worth waiting for - and loved unbelievably much by a King. :)
and i had to laugh when i saw the address of your blog...
here's why. :)
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