so i got two merry christmas calls tonight from two of my favorite gentlemen.

matt called first to merry christmas me (you liked how i used that as a verb, didn't you) and to ask me to go to san antonio with him and a bunch of other people i may or may not know for the alamo bowl next week. dang if that doesn't sound like fun, but i just don't think it's going to work out. too much to do and too many people to see. sounds like my kinda trip though. i love texas.

then ara called to merry christmas me too. we talked for a good hour and 45 minutes about all kinds of stuff-- God, lord of the rings, and (the highlight of the conversation) "foul tactics." i told him i was going to see my friend matt play at a bar in wisconsin this weekend, and he apparently was a little worried because some of his friends had a bad experience at *a* bar *somewhere* in wisconsin a few years back.

him: "you remember what i taught you? eye gouging, underarm jabs, swift kicks to the knee and groin? you remember foul tactics?"

me: "ah yes... foul tactics. the butthole jab."

the butthole jab is my favorite self-defense tactic, though i've never had to and hopefully will never have to employ its use. it came up in conversation during one of those times when ara was showing me how he would get out of a hold.

"well, if you were a guy, first i would poke your armpits. if that didn't work i would jab your sides, and if THAT didn't work, well, i would use foul tactics."

"foul tactics?"

"yeah, i would jab your butthole."

"yuck."

"you'd let go then."

"heck yeah. but what if you missed?"

"oh i wouldn't miss."

*me wondering why he has such extensive knowledge of the precise location of such a small orifice.* "it's like instinctive, then?"

"well, i've had to do it a couple times."

*ughrasglkjughgjlkjlblech* "what? when?"

"well, once my cousin and i were wrestling..."

GOO. i mean it's one thing if it's a person you're never going to see again, but your cousin? i bet family reunions are a little awkward.

but really, the point is, folks, that it WORKS. jab your attacker's butt and you're free. it's that simple. and it's the move nobody would ever expect. you are not only defensively competent, but also unique.

this conversation was particularly funny because it was preceded by one i had with my grandma earlier in the evening about what i would do if i was attacked and so on, and as i was explaining to her what pressure points i would go for first, i was thinking to myself all along "foul tactics." i didn't mention the butthole jab because i figured it would gross her out. tee hee hee.

off to bed i go.