so before i review the latter part of my christmas break, i would like to share Stephanie's List of Favorite** Songs (complete with sample lyrics and commentary), compiled during the obscenely long drive from des moines to chicago on sunday during the blizzard. yes it was scary. just call me danger.

**and by "favorite," i mean they suck and are an embarrassment to everything musical. that is an understatement.

1. I Don't Want You Back (i just found out the original title of this song is "F*** It" ) -- Eamon.

the chorus sings:

F*** what i said it dont mean s*** now
F*** the presents might as well throw em out
F*** all those kisses, it didnt mean jack
F*** you, you ho, i dont want you back

and you thought it couldn't get any better:

You thought, you could
Keep this s*** from me, yeah
Ya burnt b**ch, i heard the story
Ya played me, ya even gave him h***
Now ya askin for me back
Ya just another hag, look elsewhere
Cuz ya done with me

the answers to your questions regarding this song are: yes, radio stations actually play this. yes, they bleep out all the cuss words so half of the song is gone. and no, the quality of Eamon's voice does not in any way compensate for the amount of pain and suffering this song inflicts. aside from all the f-bombs, i just couldn't conceive how a song like this could ever be a single. absolutely nothing about it is original, the lyrics are ridiculously sucky, and the singer is bad. it's times like these when i wonder why i'm not famous. Grade: F

2. Baby Boy -- Beyonce Knowles

the lyrics to this touching chorus read:

Baby boy you stay on my mind
Fulfill my fantasies
I think about you all the time
I see you in my dreams

there are a number of concerns i have about this song. the first one, clearly, is that, if taken literally, these lyrics SCREAM pedophile. my second concern is that, even if you interpret this figuratively, it still doesn't make good sense. now, maybe i am too far divorced from urban culture, but being the whitey that i am, i would think that "baby girl" as a term of endearment would be okay. if a guy said of his girlfriend, "i'm looking out for my baby girl," she probably wouldn't have a problem with that. BUT i see something very wrong with addressing a guy as "baby boy." i would think that to most men this pet name would be emasculating. also, beyonce, why fantasize about baby boys? isn't the "boys who think they're men" syndrome a woman's biggest complaint in reference to romantic relationships? Grade: F

3. Milkshake -- Kelis

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And they're like, "It's better than yours"
Damn right, it's better than yours,
I can teach you, but I have to charge

ummm.... yeah. maybe with all that money you charge, Kelis, you could go back to school and learn how to write a song that makes sense. my first question is: what does milkshake mean? in the context of the rest of the song, you can infer that it means something sexual, but to my knowledge, "milkshake" does not really lend itself to any sexual practice. we know from the last line above that it has to be something that can be taught, so the only thing i could come up with was: lactating. still, i don't think that's it. my second question: when the boys say, "it's better than yours", who are they talking to? because it is obvious in the song that Kelis is quoting them, but for a boy to tell her that her milkshake is better than her own milkshake makes no sense. it is reasonable to think that they boy means Kelis' milkshake is better than his current girlfriend's milkshake, but if that were the intended meaning, he wouldn't say "it's better than yours"; he would say, "it's better than HERS." furthermore, Kelis makes this matter more confusing by saying, "damn right, it's better than yours," which means that she is now most likely talking to another girl. which brings me to my final question: who is Kelis talking to when she says "i can teach you, but i have to charge?" if she is talking to a girl, what makes her think that after what she just said that any girl would want lessons in sexual prowess from her? and if she is speaking to a guy, does that make her a prostitute? i am SO confused. Grade: F

thus concludes Stephanie's List of Favorite** Songs.

**and by favorite, i mean they suck goats.