from time to time i'm sure you all wonder why my blog is titled call me crazy. she isn't really crazy, you say. why doesn't she change the title once in awhile?

because of days like today.

last wednesday i told my testimony to the youth group at cross and crown, and as i was sort of preparing for it, i decided that the theme of my story would be this:

what's the worst that could happen? and is the worst bad enough to keep me from doing it?

see, i remember the first time i thought this thought. it is kind of a deep thought, assessing the consequences of your actions and then proceeding (or not) to do something when the outcome is uncertain and could be bad. it started in fifth grade when i talked myself into trying out for the end-of-the-year talent show. what's the worst that could happen? i could embarrass myself in front of all of my peers and really suck. is that bad enough to keep me from doing it? no.

now granted, that is kind of a petty example, but bear with me here. you have to start small and work your way up.

usually when i do something crazy, it never ends up going as planned. it usually never ends up going well, and i've come to accept this fact. when i choose to do my crazy thing, i place very low expectations on the outcome because i understand that typically craziness doesn't do jack. so really i'm very aware that what i do could be very stupid, but i take the risk of doing it on the off chance that it might work and my plan considered genius. not that being considered genius is the prize... i don't care about that, but you know what i mean right?

so this morning, roughly three hours ago, i did the second craziest thing that i've ever done. and, until you read this, there are only four people in the world that know i did it. i didn't tell anyone beforehand, because i knew what they would say. they would say not to do it. probably. they would say i don't think that's a good idea. and the reason i didn't say anything to these people was because i didn't really think it was a good idea either, but there was a small chance that it could be genius.

i had been thinking about it for three months. there were several other times when i almost did it, but i decided not to because i didn't want to do it out of an emotional rise. i wanted it to be well thought out, well planned, well rehearsed. i wanted to do it at a time when, if it went badly, then i had less to lose. so i want to let you know that this wasn't a rash decision. i've spent three months asking God if He was okay with it, and never really felt a sure yes or a sure no, just a "not now" at times. so i woke up this morning and said to myself,

today is the day.

for three months i have been wanting to talk to ara's parents. now i know what you're thinking. you're thinking, it's his responsibility to bring you into his family, get them to like you, etc. and you know you're right, i couldn't agree with you more. but for the past three months there are some things that i have felt very misunderstood about. ara's parents have made assumptions about me simply because i am an "american girl" that are totally false, and bless his heart ara has tried to communicate to them otherwise, but i dunno... maybe it's because he's their son, maybe just because he is a guy, they just don't get or they don't believe him or something.

one of the things that bugs me most is being misunderstood. i can't explain to you why it bothers me so much, but particularly in a situation like this, having people think badly of me for things that simply aren't true wreaks havoc on me emotionally.

that's reason number one why i went. to clear some things up.

number two is, contrary to what ara thought would be the case, i really have believed in these past months that one of the ways i could gain some of his mom's respect would be to, well, let's put it bluntly, grow some balls. i've been sitting here for 5 minutes trying to think of a better way to put that, but nothing else seems to capture the essence of what i'm wanting to say. his mom says what is on her mind, be it good or bad or what have you, and so i thought that by doing the same, but in a respectful way, it would do much more than saying nothing at all.

number three reason was for ara. this one definitely wasn't my job, but i would like to do something to make his life a little easier. and mine a little easier. i figured if it went bad then i could just say, "we tried. sorry it didn't work out" and move on. if it went well, then it would be a favor that i did for him, and now it's up to him to seize the opportunity and run with it.

so anyway, i woke up this morning and said to God, this is the day. i'm going to drive by his house while he is at work, and if both of his parents' cars are there and his sister is gone, then i will do it. it was important to me that his sister be gone because she's my age, and i really just thought that would cause a lot of additional weirdness if she were there. so i left the house at 8:15 this morning, and waited at the elmhurst/gregory light. i could see from the intersection that his sister was indeed home. part of me was disappointed, part of me relieved. i turned onto elmhurst, and as i'm driving past his house, his sister pulls out of the driveway.

haha God, you're a funny guy.

i went to the nearest flower shop and got three red roses in a vase to bring with me. my elderly greek friend sylvia said that if i bring flowers, i should always go with red flowers, because to armenians the color of the flowers would suggest a message that i wanted to convey. and what i wanted to convey was love. so i got the flowers, i parked on a side street, i walked up to the front stoop. i rang the doorbell.

i hadn't seen them since august.

it took awhile for anyone to answer the door. i almost thought they weren't home, though they had to be because both of their cars were there. but i waited patiently, and his mom answered the door. she was surprised to see me, looking nervous with my flowers, but she smiled and invited me in. she asked me what the flowers were for, i said that i had come over to speak with them, and just wanted something to make her smile. she told me i looked very pretty.

ara's dad came into the living room and invited me to sit down. he was surprised to see me too. they both asked how i was doing and how school was going and where i was living. probably more questions in five minutes than they have ever asked me in the past six months.

then i started. i started by apologizing for having been the cause of a lot of tension in their home, that i had never intended for any of that to happen, that seeing them uncomfortable had made me uncomfortable and i didn't know what to do. i told them that i realized a lot of the ways i conducted myself were probably inconsiderate to them and that i was sorry for having offended them.

i then proceeded to tell them that, knowing they had little reason to believe me since we really hadn't interacted much, i'm not, for the most part, what they would consider a typical american girl. i put considerable emphasis on the part where i said, "i don't sleep around. i've never slept around. i've never had sex before, not even close" because it seemed like something they were very concerned about and apparently didn't believe ara when he told them that we don't and won't and all that good stuff. his mom seemed to respond well to that... she said, "that's what ara told me, i just have seen so many american girls like that."

i told them that i know they have always wanted the best for their son, and that they have always wanted him to be with an armenian girl. i said that i don't know what the future holds (just to make sure that they didn't think i was implying that i thought we were going to get married), or if anything would ever come of ara and i, if given a real opportunity to be comfortable and find out. but i said i had been doing some research of their culture, found it fascinating, and wanted to learn more. i assured them that even though i am not of armenian blood, i am proud of the heritage that they have, that ara has, and would never want to "americanize" him, that his culture is one of the things i love most about him. his mom then said something that may not mean a lot to you, but was really very encouraging. she said, "there have been non-armenians who studied to learn the language and the history and the culture and did very well." doesn't sound exciting, but the reason this was encouraging was because she wasn't excluding me from their culture. it was implied that, "yeah, you could do this."

i asked them if i could build a relationship with them, if i could get to know them better, if they could get to know me better, if they would allow me to ask them all the questions that i had about their move to america and lebanon and etc., etc. they said yeah, that they would like to. they said they missed me, and that they would like me to come over sometimes. not all the time, but sometimes. see how it goes.

one of the last things i said was that ara had no idea that i had come over. i think at first his mom was surprised. "you came over here for yourself?" yes, i did. this was when possibly the most redeeming moment of the endeavor came.

"i like it when things are out in the open, and i am impressed that you came here by yourself today. you've got spunk, i like that about you," she said.

i wish i could replay that a million times.

and so i left a half an hour later, asking them if it would be okay that i talk to ara first about me coming over. both his parents smiled at me, and i left, still as nervous as when i had come.

SO MUCH ADRENALINE.

so then i decided that i had to tell ara, partly because i was so excited that one of my crazy stunts may have actually WORKED and because i didn't want things to be weird for him when he got home this afternoon.

so i went to lubepros. they were busy when i got there, so i waited for about a half an hour, conversing with a VERY talkative 50'sish woman who in five minutes revealed to me that she was still in love with the man (whom she was never married to) who fathered her only child 21 years ago. ara walked me to my car as i was getting ready to leave, when i revealed to him that i did something very crazy this morning. at first he looked all worried. i made him promise he wouldn't be mad at me. he said okay. and then i told him. and his eyes were wide. he was speechless for awhile. it went from "i can't believe you did that" to "wow, you have balls" to "i'm really proud of you for doing that. you are so strong for doing that" to "why are you still nervous?"

what's the worse thing that could happen?
his parents cuss me out and we break up.

is that bad enough to keep you from doing it?
no, because unless things get better, we will have to break up eventually.

and thus concludes this episode of call me crazy. tune back in next week when stephanie does another ridiculous thing to create more drama in her life.

actually, in this case i think it created less drama.

maybe i'm growing up.