i really want to believe in the basic goodness of man. and by that i don't mean to start some huge theological discussion on human nature. but i want to believe that people that i care about and who are supposed to care about me are intrinsically desiring the best for me and i for them. i think we all want that, you know? if we didn't think that altruism in some capacity existed, there would be no motivation to trust, right? and i want to trust. i don't want to live a life thinking that i cannot depend on anyone for anything. i guess i've just realized lately that in most important relationships that people have, one person emerges as the predominant protector. family relationships, friendships, romantic relationships... it seems to be true. usually its the older person who assumes this role. or, in the case of coed relationships, usually the guy i think. and it's not necessarily that the other party in the relationship isn't concerned with the protector's physical or emotional well-being, it's just that they express their concern in different ways i think. i dunno. in any case, i think i tend to take on the protector role in a lot of my relationships with people. i'm not sure what that means or what it says about me or the other person, but i think it's true. it's a theory in progress, but anyways... all this said, there are not many people in my life that protect me. and for most of those people it is to no fault, i mean they are under no obligation to, and usually it's no big deal. but when things in stephanie's life kind of suck, it's hard when people i think are supposed to defend me don't. i think helen, jeanna, rozi, my mom do when they can, i suppose there are a lot of people who do. i dunno.

i think i'm just upset that there are a couple people who i think were supposed to protect me and didn't. rock star was one of them. relationships end. that's life. but he could have been a man about it. it's entirely inappropriate to ask someone about the nature of her feelings for you when you know what the answer is and have little intention of doing anything with it. at that point you are just asking to feed your ego, and it's obvious that you don't care enough to leave me with a little dignity. sad.