wrestling.

today has been one of those days that i can't really decide yet whether or not i'm glad that it happened.

on one hand, it was a great day. first, the weather. redding summers are characteristically 100+ degrees. today, though... it was upper 70's. that is acceptable for a warm-bodied yankee such as myself. sunny, no humidity, nice breeze. perfect weather.

second, i sat in on the classes for bethel school of supernatural ministry. i didn't even know bethel church had a ministry school, and most certainly didn't know that some of the students would be in housing at simpson college, and MOST CERTAINLY had no idea that my dorm room would be in the same hall as all of the bethel students. the sessions were just... amazing. kris vallotton's message today was just incredible. i don't even know what to say about it yet, i'm still processing through its implications...

third, i sat in the alabaster house for about an hour today after class. i guess the alabaster house is sort of akin to the prayer room at IHOP, maybe. except, it is small, and in the shape of the star of David, i think. there are windows on every side, overlooking gardens, with mountains along the horizon. there is a fountain in the middle of the room, and so behind the music that is playing, you hear the sound of flowing water. i indeed felt the peace of God as i entered this place. i mostly just sat for an hour, listening, praying, wrestling with the idea that, being made in the image of the Living God, i already carry His glory. i do not have to perform to be loved by Him. i do not have to work to walk in the authority of Jesus. all of my work must flow out of love... it must flow out of my identity, not shape it. these are hard things for me to really believe. i know they are true because the Word of God says so, and God does not lie... but, i have bought into certain lies about who i am and who God is for so long... sometimes it takes a bit of kneading to get the Truth inside of my heart, so that i KNOW it, and not just think it.

i walked the mile and a half from bethel back to the university campus at dusk this evening, and watched as the sun set behind the mountains. redding reminds me probably of fort dodge, iowa, more than anything else, except with different terrain. i haven't seen the downtown area, but it isn't a very snazzy town, from what i've seen so far. it is quiet and rustic... very spread out, yet nestled between mountain ranges. who would have thought that in this one town, blind eyes and deaf ears open on a weekly basis? that in this one little california town, thousands of people have been completely healed of numerous forms of cancer over the past decade, and with increasing measure as time passes? in this town, thousands of ordinary christians are being trained to do the work that Jesus said we would do as we preach the message of the Kingdom: heal the sick, raise the dead, cast out demons? i imagine this happens in other parts of the country. i KNOW it happens in other parts of the world. but this is a normal, every day thing in redding, at bethel. i could feel it today. the air is just different here.

and that is why i'm undecided as to whether or not it's a good thing that today happened. because, although i haven't really connected with any people here, i just don't know how i can leave and be satisfied with less than what i am experiencing right now. i cannot go for months without experiencing Your presence as much as i do here. i just can't live without this. and it's kind of a disturbing thought, because i don't know what that means. does it mean i am supposed to be out here? am i supposed to come to bethel? i mean, the easy answer is of course, "no", because i have a life established in chicago. but if i say "no" too quickly... am i being like the rich young man? on his knees, pleading, he asks Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life, and Jesus tells him to go sell everything he has and give to the poor, and then to follow Him. but the rich young man is disheartened, because he has much earthly wealth. he doesn't do it. he does not say yes to Jesus.

i guess what i have been wrestling with tonight is, how willingly i would respond if You instructed me to up and relocate? i used to think of this question with reference to missions. what if You called me to be a missionary in some country in africa? i mean, i'd like to visit africa, but i don't want to live there. so, if You wanted me to live there, You would have to change my heart, i would always say. but, i think sometimes the decision is more difficult. like, with redding. i like it here at bethel. i WANT to be in this atmosphere. but often times i think i cling to the security of location, and proximity of friends and family, much in the same way that the rich young man clung to the security of his money. if my question to You is, Jesus, what must i do to walk in the destiny that You have called me to, and You were to say... put everything in chicago on hold, and come to redding... would i do it? if it meant giving up a lot of earthly rewards, and disappointing people that i love, would i do it? the rich young man sincerely wanted eternal life, but he would not go after it unless he could get it on his own terms. i've known You long enough to know that You do not operate on my terms, and often what You ask of me is opposite of my own terms, or at least i think it is... at first.

just to be clear, i don't THINK that God is asking me to move to redding right now. i think this is probably one of those questions that i'm to wrestle with for a bit, and to ponder on in my heart. i WANT to be a woman who will think nothing of obeying Jesus when He asks me to leave everything and follow Him. i don't know what that will look like in my life, but i want to say "yes", no matter what.

i don't have any answers right now. so... here's to walking hand-in-hand with my Abba. i want to see what You are doing, that i may do just that. nothing more, nothing less. Your perfect will here on earth, as it is in heaven.