no one will ever love you as much as i do.

we talked again last night. i had a helpful conversation with my dear friend lisa booth yesterday evening, and she helped me sort through some of the things i was feeling. what i concluded from our conversation was that although dan and i fit into a nice little package, although he is absolutely wonderful, there was still a deeper, or at least different, connection with ara. ara is messier, he has more problems, he is less sure, and yet there is something about him that, as lisa put it, makes me think that at some point down the road the messiness and complicatedness would somehow be more rewarding than with dan. what i was not sure of was whether or not the difference in connection between the two relationships was a difference in degree, meaning that the connection i have with dan just isn't there yet; or a difference in quality, meaning something is just missing with dan that cannot be worked out or manufactured.

i shared all this with him last night, not realizing how much it would hurt him. in my own head, the above conclusion wasn't really new, it was just a clarification of feelings that were already there. but to him, it was something completely different than what i had been trying to explain for the past week. i watched his heart break. this young man, that does nothing but try to fulfill my every whim, sat next to me broken. i could see him closing down, becoming less and less responsive. as we kept talking and he tried to explain how he felt, i realized more than ever that dan is real. he will always respect me, he will always take care of me, he will always be faithful to me, he will always try to make me happy. and as i thought upon all these things, i realized how he probably felt-- like he did everything he could possibly do, and still it wasn't enough. don't i know how that feels. i started to dread the moment that he left, wondering if i had just said something that set in motion a change that would alter our relationship permanently. but instead of being angry with me, he hugged me, and i cried. he said no matter what happens, that he would always be thankful for me. then he said something bold:

no one will ever love you as much as i do.

i knew that when he said that, he did not mean that i couldn't find someone "better." he meant it declaratively for himself, that no other man would be as committed to loving me as dan would make himself.

what do i do with that? i think i know what the answer is, but then what do i do with ara? what do i do with all these memories that keep coming up? do i never see him again? no matter what the ultimate choice is here, i lose someone that is dear to me. every time i come to a conclusion, i realize that i'm pretty much going to lose someone and the thought of losing either one is quite nearly unbearable.

today dan and i spent most of the day together. and although there was a bit of sadness in the air from our conversation last night, i just had this tremendous desire to make him happy. and i found myself wanting many more days where i could do just that.

all that to say that i think the decision is becoming clear, but the logistics are not. i guess we'll see by the end of the week.