and a happy friday to you, too.

i heard vigorous honking behind me no less than five times on my way home today, some of which i'm sure was directed towards my iowa-plated car when i failed to floor it 2 milliseconds after the light turned green. chicago drivers are often inconsiderate, but tonight i think they all left at the same time from the same place that i did and decided they were going to drink some hatorade on the way home. bite me.

in other news, there have been a lot of changes happening this week since my last post. i met with laura spencer on wednesday after church to talk with her about some of the struggles i have been having these past few weeks with dan and ara. i have been feeling for awhile that i needed to speak with someone a bit older and married, and just in time God provided the person. so we met up at baker square and shared stories.

i left the meeting having really enjoyed the time that laura and i spent together, but not really having any further idea as to what i should do. i wasn't really looking for specific advice from her or anything, more just hoping that hearing her stories or just her conversation would help me process through some things. and finally, yesterday morning, it did.

it's not about ara.

it's not. as much as i have loved him in the past and regardless of the residual feelings that may still be there, there are several major changes that would have to be made in order for us to ever be together again in a healthy relationship. changes that involve rather large decisions that he would have to make. and the chances of him actually taking the risk and making those changes are, in my opinion, rather slim. i have known this for quite some time, and even though i have been unsure about dan, it hasn't been because i've really thought that ara and i would or should get back together. it's just been because i wasn't sure if dan was the one that i couldn't live without, and i was trying to find the reason why i wasn't sure. i mean, it's certainly nothing about his character. that i'm sure about. i thought maybe it could be that there were some unresolved issues with ara, which there are, but it's not really about ara. it's just about the difference in feelings that i've had for the two guys. why, with the guy who has got it together, who knows what he wants, am i not sure? and then why, with the crazy armenian who can't seem to make up his mind, was i sure?

as i was thinking and praying about it yesterday morning, i felt it impressed upon my heart that there was a component to the other relationships i've had that dan and i have not yet had; that is, a period of distance. with deeg, with rock star, with justin, with ara, there was always a time of geographical distance, either because i didn't live in the same state, or because i was leaving for a trip. and that period of time away from the person really defined how i felt about him. while there were a couple times over this summer when i was away, that was before dan and i were ever very close. i realized yesterday morning that i know what i feel for dan in his presence, and now i need to know what it feels like to be in his absence. i need to know if i cannot live without him.

we talked about it last night, and he understood. he was sad, but he understood. he said that he just had ask himself whether he loved me enough to let me go, knowing that i might never come back. and he said that yes, he did. we stayed up late into the morning talking about it. i fell asleep there and left a few hours later when he had to go to school. we parted with him looking miserable and me crying. **sigh**

it felt really good to cry about it, though. i want to come to the conclusion that i cannot live without him. i have prayed that in this time apart, i would be miserable. although i've been realizing today that, every time i started to grieve over dan, it made me happy that it hurt. is that masochistic?

also, ara and i were supposed to meet tonight to talk. he called me while i was at work to let me know that he had an assignment he had to finish up at school for his saturday class tomorrow, and would it be okay if our meeting was late or on a different day? it just so happened that one of my headlights went out this week, so i stopped in at lubepro's to get the bulb replaced and to reschedule our conversation.

i don't want to make too much of it, because it seems like one of those things that just by saying it could make it not true, but when i saw ara tonight, there wasn't really a spark like there usually is. i think the best way to explain it is just to say that i guess i just didn't feel as drawn to him as usual. i mean, it was good to see him, to hear how he was doing and such, but in regards to my heart reaction, it was basically, "so what?" i could kind of tell that there was a change when it didn't upset me for us to reschedule our meeting. normally it would make me anxious and feel like no, we have to talk about it NOW. but there wasn't really a sense of urgency, except for that i just wanted to get the conversation over with so i could really assess things with dan and talk to him as soon as possible.

since i have been home, i have felt a bit of a change in my attitude towards all of this. i'm not miserable, not really even emotional about this point of decision. what i know is that in me there is a deep understanding that dan and i have something good. great, even. we trust each other, we are open and honest with each other, we take care of each other. in a way, dan and i are sort of the actualization of what i envisioned ara and i becoming. and that is a good thing that i think would be foolish to give up.