i've decided that i don't want to celebrate my birthday anymore. no cards, no gifts, no flowers, no special phone calls.

or maybe we could change my birthday to another day. like in the middle of the spring or summer, when a beautiful day would be enough to make me happy. no more sun setting at 5:00 pm, no more freezing rain.

i guess i have this unrealistic expectation that i am supposed to be happy on my birthday, that i am supposed to feel special. and i feel neither of those things. and if i remember correctly, my birthday experiences for the past 5-6 years have been pretty crappy. even on the couple that i remember being *good*, the things that really made them so fell to pieces right after my birthday and made it feel like a farce in hindsight. and it's so much worse to have a crappy day on a day when you are supposed to be happy, know what i mean?

so here is my proposal to remedy this problem. take my birthday off of your calendar. if you want to wish me a happy birthday or give me a gift or send me flowers or treat me like a princess for a day, choose a different day. send me a birthday card in the middle of the summer, and i promise you i won't think you're a crazy. but let's forget about the actual day, because it's just beginning to become the anniversary of disappointments, and it's not fair to you who do try to make it a special day to feel as though your efforts were in vain.

thank you for the flowers though, mom and dad. they are both beautiful and brought a tear to my eye. thanks.

six more hours until this stoopid day is over.