i've decided that from now on, whenever someone orders a drink with more than four shots of espresso, i will secretly replace extra shots with decaf. seriously, yo... we need to have an "exceeded caffeine limit" waiver. someone's gonna have a heart attack.

i've been reflecting a lot this past week about love... i have had many similar past internal dialogues about it, but it's always good for a wake up call. when i say love, i don't just mean that which is associated with romantic relationships. i mean when you are truly loving someone, what does that look like?

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. it does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

that's what my bible says. the older i get, the more i understand that love is God's ultimate challenge to us, because it is not something that we can truly say in the past tense. the very nature of love is that it is always. we can't ever say that we have completed it, because love's "completion" lies in its everlasting nature. if we "loved" someone but love them no longer, then we never truly loved them at all. make sense?

so in light of recent heartache, i've been evaluating how i treat this situation with ara in my head lines up with 1 corinthians 13. for instance, it's "easier" for me to handle a break up when the guy has cheated on me. in the past, though it still hurts a ton, it has brought a sense of closure. i can write the guy off as a jackass who doesn't deserve me. and so with ara, occasionally in the past three weeks i have dwelt on his imperfections, trying to convince myself that he too is a jackass. and yet, when i read the above verses, i can't help but rethink my coping behaviors.

ultimately, what good does it do me to believe a lie about someone, even if it does temporarily relieve some of my pain?

i've been realizing lately that it's okay. it's okay for me to hurt. there isn't a prescribed day that i have to stop hurting about this. but it is necessary that i love while doing it. it is necessary that i rejoice in truth, that i keep no record of wrongs. not for the sake of a future with ara, but for the sake of loving.

here's to the hard way.