well, stephie is a single muffin again.

R.I.P.
steph and ara
april 15th, 2003 - october 25th, 2003

it feels weird.

it seems like when making fairly big decisions or thinking about making fairly big decisions, i've had two people in mind for the past six months. this was the first relationship that i've been in where i could legitimately think "future thoughts." while future thoughts were a nice thing to imagine flippantly during my past years of romantic absence, i have found that thinking them in the context of a certain person, particularly when that person thinks the same of you, is much much better. there is a greater sense of purpose and fulfillment when you get to plan WITH someone.

but now it's back to one.

i should say, though, for the record, that last night was the best break up i've ever had.

it happened on the phone. it started off with me crying because i was really upset that we hadn't been able to spend any time together the past few weeks, and that we hadn't taken steps to fix that particular problem. it continued with him saying things that sounded like they would lead into a break up talk. to which i said, "are you breaking up with me?" to which came the Reason.

"i can't provide what you need right now. i don't want you just putting up with me when i can't give you what you need. it hurts you, and i hate that, and we get angry with each other... it's just not worth it."

now if i had cited this as my reason for breaking up with a guy, it would sound totally unbelievable. and that's because it would be. it's the classic patronizing break up line, "it's not you, it's me." quite honestly, when girls break up with boys (or when they break up with us), we want them to hurt. not necessarily a lot, depending on how much we care for them, but we need to know that they are bearing some of the pain as well. the thing is, though, when ara says that he doesn't want to hurt me while simultaneously choking back tears, i believe him. i don't think he is putting on a show. i think he does it because he is genuinely looking out for my best interest.

so we are on the phone, and we break up. he is crying, and i ask him questions about unimportant things that i am curious about, like when he started thinking about ending the relationship, or what made him start thinking about it. and he answers my questions candidly and gently, and just when it seems like all hope is gone, the conversation turns.

"is this really about a time thing for you? are you sure there aren't other reasons, like you can't stand the way i smell when i haven't showered in a couple days?"

he says no, it's just about timing. there's absolutely nothing wrong with me, he says. he doesn't feel differently about me, he just doesn't feel like he can be successful in a serious relationship right now. and i say, if that's true, then is it necessary for us to stop seeing each other cold turkey? what if we just stepped back, lowered the expectations... what if we broke up but still dated, just not "exclusively." by doing that we still can spend time together but just be more relaxed. and as i described how that might look, his tone of voice changed.

he choked out an "okay," the way a little kid might say it after a fight when you offer a make up bowl of ice cream. he was surprised that i would propose such a thing. "i would love that. i don't want to stop seeing you, i just didn't think you would understand me not really being able to take care of you right now, so i thought it would be easier for you if we didn't leave 'us' in an in-between stage."

i realized after he said that that i had once again attained greatest-girl-in-the-world status in his eyes, i guess because i understood. i made him feel like he had control again. i let things move to a level where he doesn't feel helpless. he can take me out on dates, he can make me happy, even if it is just occasional right now (not meaning that i won't be happy at other times, but rather that it would only be occasionally him that makes my day). and by the grace of God i was able to do this without crying and blaming and making him feel guilty.

he kept saying through some tears that he loves me so much and cares about my feelings so much, and that he doesn't want me to feel like i have to wait for him to call me if i need anything or just want to talk. he said specifically, "if you ever want or need to talk about this or anything, really..." i thought about that for awhile. i think by this in the context of our conversation, he meant our relationship. which was sort of an odd thing for a guy to say. to give me the freedom to bring up "us" in the future. that's dangerous. he said that he always wants to be there for me, and he apologized a dozen times for not being able to be what i need right now.

and i just found myself repeating, "it's okay. things are gonna be fine. regardless of what happens, we will both be okay." and then i felt the need to disclose to him that i had already purchased a non-returnable birthday present for him (tickets to see the deftones-- his favorite band that he's never seen live-- at the end of nov.), which, even if i could return it i wouldn't because i know he will love it. so i told him so that he wouldn't think it was a psycho inappropriate post-break-up gift. he just laughed and sounded really touched that i had thought of his birthday, which was comforting to me.

the conversation ended with us making jokes about breaking up ("BAH! this is the best break up EVER!"). which sounds weird and sort of sadistic, but i guess it was our way of saying that maybe us breaking up is sort of a joke, that it's not THE END, but just a break. or maybe just to show that there are no hard feelings. in any case, it was a good way to end. laughing. i've always said one of the things i love about him is that he laughs easily.

since last night i have had a lot of thoughts. and quite a few tears too. i miss him; sometimes i wonder why he felt like it was so necessary to go back to school THIS YEAR. like why is school more important than me or us? just seems like an inopportune time to do something so life-changing. but then i realize that to him it's not about what he cares for more; it's about his identity as a man. he sort of feels like he is wasting his time by staying in management at lubepro's. feels like he isn't going anywhere, and that there is no room to grow, and i think it's sort of emasculating to him. so he's taking responsibility for his future and going back to school so he can do what he loves. so, suffice to say, i think i get it.

still, it's sad. but at times in the past 18 hours i have felt some of the pleasure that accompanies pain like this. it hurts, yes, but yet at times i see how beautiful it is, how alive i feel even through grief. it's kind of cool to appreciate pain.

so that's it. this has been a long entry. thanks for bearing with. pray for me, that i would find emotional balance through this. have a good night.