well i've been told by several people that i need to start posting more, so i will try to be more frequent like that. sorry guys... it's not even for lack of time that i haven't been posting... it's just... i just really haven't been feeling like writing. i don't want to sit and whine to all of you about ara stuff every day, but right now, it's just constantly on my mind. i haven't been thinking about much else. i've been so preoccupied with trying to put very little pressure on him, but doing so requires biting my lip a lot, which is sort of exhausting. our conversations have sort of entered the awkward zone.

let me tell you about the awkward zone. i hate it on so many different levels. it includes long, uncomfortable silences via phone. it includes delayed laughs to jokes that would have been thought hilarious three weeks ago. it includes avoiding tense topics that, at least in my opinion, should be talked about because it is those very issues that created the awkward zone in the first place. the awkward zone makes both parties feel as though they are irritating each other, which isn't really true, but both parties are just frustrated in general so that frustration is projected onto the other person. the awkward zone makes at least one person very insecure about the status of the relationship. said person has a tendency to get clingy, as it were, and for a very good reason: the closer you get to losing your grip, the tighter you hang on. the recipient of clingyness starts feeling greatly pressured-- not just by the situation anymore, but by you personally. which is bad. very bad. the thing i hate most about the awkward zone, however, is that it is very difficult to get out of. it usually looks like a point of no return.

now mind you, it hasn't gotten to this point with ara and i. although, i must admit that it is very difficult to resist doing what a girl would typically do in this situation, because the temptation is definitely there. you know, the temptation to be a psycho. but still, it is awkward. i'm trying not to think any rash thoughts in my head... at least not until i get back to chicago. talking face to face when things are awkward is usually easier--- it's a lot harder to be an ass when someone you care about is standing in front of you and isn't just on a phone 500 miles away.

9 more days until i go back to chicago and helen and i move into our overpriced and undersized but supercute rock star apartment.

here's to waiting.