i couldn't tell you why it's a quarter after 1 in the morning and i'm awake with tears streaming down my face. tonight i listened to a song i wrote a year ago... one that i haven't listened to or played since probably last summer. i don't really like the song much anymore, but it's funny how the lyrics just somehow captured every emotion that i felt at the time of the event the song was written about. i listened to it as the result of a conversation had late tonight... or the beginning of a conversation, that is. and i guess in the last 30 minutes some memories have come flooding back. memories that i think i'd rather forget because while they are pleasant in and of themselves, they just make me feel severely inadequate.

if you listen to john mayer's new live cd, there's a really good line that he repeats over and over again before he sings "comfortable"

"why did i have to practice on you?"

he was saying, you were my first love, why couldn't i have had the practice on how to make a relationship work before you so we could have worked out... that sort of thing.

i remember stuff tonight. and i feel like i've been practiced on. i'm the one that's good for a lesson in life and love but not the one who is ultimately "good enough." and you say it's not my fault. it's your fault, and you're sorry. "thanks stephanie for having taught me so much. you're a good girl and you deserve great things." but right now you're sleeping and i'm crying.