houston. that's right, i'm in houston. some of you don't know this, some of you do. i'm sorry to those i didn't tell, if you feel shafted at all. i wasn't trying to keep a secret, i just didn't have the time or energy to explain the story what with finals and everything. and i didn't want a ton of people telling me i shouldn't do it, because i didn't want to feel bad for not listening to them. it was just one of those things that I had to do.

this weekend was hands-down the craziest weekend of my life. i did the craziest thing i've ever done. let me start at the beginning. this is going to be long.

5 years ago i met rock star. in indiana. when i was 14. there was this band playing that my dad and i liked at the time, so we went to see them. and i made friends with the bass player. he and i wrote back and forth for a few years, exchanged phone calls for awhile. when we first met i wasn't really interested in him... he was quite a bit older than me and the thought just never crossed my mind... but we kept in touch and both got older. so we hadn't been in touch for about 8-9 months when we started e-mailing again back in april. then we started talking. lots of common interests. really good sense of humor. then we decided we needed to see each other. it had been 3.5 years. he flew to chicago, and i saw rock star for the first time on my own turf. and sparks kinda flew. i didn't know what to expect, but i go to the airport to pick him up and there's this beautiful man walking around in baggage claim looking like a lost rock star. and i was excited that there was an extremely attractive man that flew all the way from houston to see me. made me smile. so we had a good time that weekend. saw the man-eating lions at the field museum, which we always joked about the real reason that he came to chicago was so that he could see THEM and i was just a bonus. funny. ROOOOOAAAAAAR.

so anyway, for about 6-7 months rock star and i tried to figure stuff out between us. we're just so different. and we would go through phases where i would say, "i don't know how this can work out" and he would say, "no, i know we can do it." and then we would switch. i think that's called diadactical tension or something along those lines. ask helen... she learned all about it in a class she took last spring. it's the theory that people go through cycles in relationships where they want to be held close and then want to be left alone and the theory says that if you can make it through two cycles of that you'll eventually start going through the cycles at the same time and it won't be a problem. or something like that. anyway, it finally felt like rock star and i were getting to that point. but to make a long story short, about a month ago we ended things. and i'll say that the reason they ended then i think is because i was kind of a jerk. i was under a lot of stress from school and i really wanted some more stability in my life, so i was putting a lot of pressure on him. that's another long discussion on self-analysis.

so i decided that since it was my fault that stuff ended that after the wedding in abilene i would drive to houston and see just how big of an ass i could make of myself, coming unannounced to apologize. it was just one of those things i had to do. i didn't want to spend my life kicking myself for not trying to make amends with someone i really care about. and as much as i might sing about it, it's been impossible to forget houston.

so here, for your reading pleasure, is a slighty condensed play-by-play account of what happened this weekend. ready for this?

FRIDAY - spent the morning hanging out with the groom on his wedding day. that meant a lot to me. thanks josh. all the groomsmen came over and we all got dressed for the wedding and then went to the church for pictures. the wedding went great, though i kind of messed up guitar stuff on my solo song, but i don't think anyone noticed. way to go, josh and erin! you did it! you can finally have sex! :) the reception rocked my world because there was lots of DANCING. there was this hot guy who was the trumpet player in the quartet that played in the wedding who i kind of hung out with at the rehearsal dinner and at the reception. and he was a fantastic dancer. seriously. we danced during the swing music and tore up the floor. you know like in dirty dancing where patrick swayze and the blond-haired chick start dancing and everyone forms a circle around them to watch? yeah i don't think that happened. but people WERE cheering us on so that was a blast. but really it was all because he's a good lead. i'm not a very good dancer. anyway, so after the reception i decided i was going to drive to houston. the original plan was going to be to go on sat. morning, but once i was ready to leave the reception, i was so very wide awake and nervous about seeing rock star that i knew i wouldn't get much sleep, so i figured why not drive to houston. i wouldn't have to fight traffic, i'd make good time. and it's easier for me to stay awake driving at night. so i did it. and it was everything i thought it would be. it was a great drive. lots of music and talking to God. i checked in to my hotel. i can't believe i got hooked up with free lodging. :)

SATURDAY -- i got five hours of sleep. rozi called and woke me up and i had to get up. couldn't sleep anymore. i decided to shower and to get ready to carry out my plan. the plan was to walk in to rock star's work and maybe say, "you know, i'm really dissatisfied with at&t. what can you do for me?" i was trying to think of something funny because i was aware that he might get kind of freaked out by me just showing up and i didn't want to go in with a "we have to talk" mentality. i was trying to think of ways to minimalize the pressure factor. i was hoping to get him to smile or laugh or something. but you know what? HE WASN'T WORKING ON SATURDAY. dude that sucks for me. so i decided to suck it up and call him from the parking lot.

"hey rock star. this is steph."
"oh hey! how you doing?"
"i'm good, how are you?"
"pretty good, pretty good. what are you up to?"
"not much. i'm in houston."
"you're where?"
"i'm in houston."
"you're WHAT?"
"i'm in houston."
"you're in HOUSTON?"
"yeah, i'm in houston."
(at this point i'm thinking YAY he sounds happy to hear from me)
"what are you doing in houston?"
to which i responded with incessant stupid rambling because i was so freaking nervous.
"where in houston are you at?"
"umm... i'm sitting outside your work. but you weren't working today. which you probably know. you spoiled my plan."
"i wish you would have told me that you were coming. i'm headed north right now."

so he said that he was going to make some phone calls and take some time to collect his thoughts and then call me back. that's cool. i went to go help rozi move. he and chuck were at the storage place unloading the ryder truck, so i went to help. you should have seen us. we had a few of those moving dollies to put furniture on and we took one up on the truck and rode it down the ramp into the parking lot. wow that was fun. i hope they caught that on the security cameras. so in the middle of moving rock star calls me back, and this time he sounds angry. why? i'm not really sure. maybe because i didn't give him fair warning that i was coming? i dunno. he says that he won't be around for the afternoon and evening but that he will call me when he gets back into houston. so i make plans for the evening. i go back to the hotel, take a nap, then go over to rozi's house for dinner and guitar playing with him and chuck. i met kim and amy, both of whom i thoroughly enjoyed. i left rozi's house and went back to the hotel to sleep.

SUNDAY -- i get up early and go to rozi's church where he leads worship. chuck and i helped him out with worship and then rozi and i rocked the house when we played the dave matthews' christmas song. rozi and kim took me to a mechanic down the road because my car had been making a funny noise the night before. they let me drive around their pick-up truck until i found out the diagnosis on my car. thanks so much guys for doing that. it was my first time driving a truck. i felt like a true texan. still no call from rock star, which was making me increasingly nervous. scared and nervous.

so i talk to sarah. i've failed to mention that she and i were trying to figure out when we could meet up all this time. we finally settled on sun. afternoon. the mechanic called me and said they couldn't find anything wrong with my car, so i went to pick it up and then i was going to drive to sarah's house. but the mechanic just happened to be super close to where rock star works, and so i just couldn't help it. if he wasn't going to call me i at least needed to stop in and say hi. i can't drive all the way to houston and not even SEE the reason i came down. so i called rock star's cell right before i went in.

"hey what's up?"
"not much, just at work."
"how pissed at me are you going to be if i walk in in two minutes?"
"well you can, but i'm helping customers right now so i can't really talk."
"that's fine."

so i didn't really know what to do when i got in there. i mean i couldn't be in the parking lot and NOT go in, but if he really can't pay me the time of day, then i look like a retard walking around. which i'm sure i did. i tried to look cool, but i know it wasn't happening. i was so nervous. my knees were shaking. i talked to sarah while i was in there and got directions to her house, and then i decided the best thing to do would be to write him a note since he couldn't talk and i needed to go. hi i'm stephanie and i'm in seventh grade. so i handed him the note and he looked at me and said, "for me?" and i said, "for you." and so i saw his face for the first time in five months and i'm thinking dammit, rock star, why do you have to have such great dimples? seriously. no one else has dimples like that. so i left and started the trek to sarah's place.

it wasn't even weird. or at least it didn't feel weird to me. sarah and i feel like comfortable friends. she's absolutely fantastic. i found out that her mom lived in the same suburb of chicago that my school is in! how weird is that? anyway, we just spent the evening talking and laughing and telling stories. i played a recording of the sappy song about rock star that i wrote over the summer. it was such a precious 5 hours. if it weren't christmas i would stay another week just to hang out with her. :)

so i'm on my way back to the hotel and rozi calls me at 11 and says he's playing at a bar in an hour. so i get directions and go, and i'm standing outside waiting for him to get there, when i see two people i recognize. i didn't know if they recognized me, so i didn't say anything. but they did.

"steph! hey! what are you doing here?"
"ummm... just came to see rozino play."
"does rock star know you're in town?"
"uhhhh.... yeah."
"what's that supposed to mean?"
"i dunno. i haven't really seen much of him."
"yeah i don't see that much of him either. he's always with his girlfriend."

ouch. that was fast. i had to ask who. it's the ex. the one who kept calling and bitching at him while he was in chicago visiting me when they had broken up months before. ouch. that was a shot to my ego. especially because now i'm probably the psycho ex-girlfriend. which maybe is appropriate. maybe i need therapy. driving to houston was the craziest thing i've ever done. driving so far to see a guy for such a reason, i mean that's not something that i would normally do, i don't think. i usually kind of play it cool or try to, but under the circumstances i just had to go. you understand. so i'm going to give rock star the benefit of the doubt and believe that he and the ex didn't start dating until after we ended things. i mean i think it's really... umm.... unhealthy... to tell me that you're in love with me and then a couple weeks later go back to dating your ex. not cool. but i don't want rock star to be a liar. because i think that underneath it all he really is a good man. i'm pretty sure of it really.

so anyway i get into the bar... it was sunday night... no one was checking id's. i help rozi carry his stuff in and he gets ready to play and he beckons me over to the stage.

"you're singing the third song."
"what?"
"you're singing 'beautiful.' you capo it on fifth fret right?"
"fourth."

so i'm standing off to the side waiting for my performing-in-front-of-a-bunch-of-drunk-people debut, and one of the people i know comes over to me.

"did you come here to see rock star?"
"well i came here tonight to see rozi."
"but did you come to houston to see rock star? tell me the truth."
"yeah... i did."
"dude i'm really sorry. i had no idea that you didn't know he had a girlfriend."
"hey, it's not your fault. it was a chance i took coming down here."
"you doing ok?"
"yeah, the reality hasn't really sunk in yet. but i'll be fine."

so i get a hug and then i get on stage. rozi says, "this is steph from chicago and you need to listen because her voice will rock your face off" (or did he say ass instead of face? i can't remember) and i sang beautiful. and even though i know what the song is about it sort of came alive in me in my situation. and it was good. i totally felt like a rock star this weekend. seriously. and rozi was great. covered a few counting crows songs that he couldn't remember all the words to but hey that's ok. :) so rozi and i talked about my experience in houston after the show and he asked me how i would rate it. and you know, even if i had known in advance that i was totally going to get the brush from rock star i still would have come down. it was really an amazing few days. i just can't describe to you how much i have felt since thursday. pain and anticipation and nervousness and joy and so many things... this trip just made me feel so alive. and in the middle of it all i just see how good God is. i don't know if coming to houston to see rock star was a wise decision. i mean i probably would never advise someone else to do it. but at the same time i have some fantastic memories now that i wouldn't have otherwise. i have a great story to tell, and even though what i did was crazy, i didn't do anything wrong... or anything that i regret, you know?

so i'm stuck in houston for another night because of weather. that's my fourth night at this hotel at absolutely no charge to me. wow. i still can't believe that. and i suppose it's good that i'm here for another day. it's a day of reflection. i'll let you know later how that works out for me. i think it will be good.