grapes. quite possibly the best fruit ever. red grapes, that is. green grapes just don’t do it for me. too much bite, not enough real flavor. red grapes are where it’s at. until they turn soggy. then they hurt my feelings. when they are fresh they are morsels of divine goodness. can you remember the first time you felt a red grape satisfyingly explode in your mouth, in all of its juicy, fleshy splendor? I’m sure you can. that’s because eating a red grape is the pinnacle of sensory experience. it makes you believe that heaven might indeed exist on earth. but when the red grapes are soggy, it’s a completely different story. they toy with you. they snicker, haha you think I am going to pop in your mouth… that’s what you want but really I am too wrinkly to produce a satisfying burst of grape juice so I will just split open and bleed to death. it’s really a sad state of affairs, ladies and gentlemen. that a grape would think itself worthy of being eaten when it won’t pop in your mouth. the worst is when the grape is not only soggy, but also has bad tasting juice. I think this is often due to alcoholism. when the grape’s kidneys fail to function properly, they cannot filter out toxins which then linger in the juice and consequently leave a putrid aftertaste. this is why someone who has a lot of money should start RFRG (rehab for red grapes). then and only then can we effectively weed out the duds. and I think that with every grape purchase there should be some sort of warrantee that provides a free grape-firming injection for prematurely soggy grapes. this would be like plastic surgery for fruit, which would particularly come in helpful for these little red wonders, since they cost $2.50/lb. that’s a lot of money for fruit. green grapes are only $0.99/lb. why is that? why is growing red grapes so much more difficult than green grapes? I need the answer to this question and I need it now.

on a related topic, I just want to say that finding dead insects squashed into the leaves of fresh romaine lettuce is a little disheartening. I mean, of course you are going to find the occasional bug in raw fruits and vegetables, but that doesn’t make the experience any more enjoyable. nor is finding that bread you bought 4 days ago is already molding. I know what you’re going to say. If you want bread to last you’re going to have to refrigerate it. maybe you’re right. but even if you are, I still don’t understand why the conditions in the kitchen enabled mold to grow so quickly. I mean, it’s not like houston, where if you set a piece of bread on your sidewalk, the conditions are so moist and warm that by the end of the day it will be so furry you might mistake it for the neighbor’s dog. disgusTING. this is chicago, for crying eye. I should be able to put my bread wherever I please and expect it to stay fresh for a week.

one more thing on this matter. we sell these wrapped frosted sugar cookies at starbucks. they come in different shapes and designs depending on the time of year. let me tell you a little something about these cookies. don’t buy them. I don’t know why we sell them, because they don’t actually sell. they sit in our store for months until they go on sale, and let me tell you something else. even when they go on sale they are not worth buying unless you ran out of mylanta at home. because they freaking taste like chalk. they are hard and crusty and no child will ever like them. so if you want a cookie, buy one from the pastry case. got it? good. glad we got that straightened out.

ok, homework calls. rozi, I think the ½ man, ½ wolf deal was a small man wearing a raccoon cap. just thought i would throw in my two cent's worth. peace.