maybe my heart just beats before yours.

i don't know if he made it up himself, or if it was a line he borrowed from a famous poet, but it kept running through my head today.

lately i've been struggling with this relationship. it all makes perfect sense, it does. logically speaking, he's quite nearly perfect for me, and i for him. there is nothing about him that i know of thus far that i couldn't live with, or any reason that i should be doubtful, and yet... inside there is a hesitation. i care for him dearly. DEARLY. and yet the question i ask myself all the time is, "could i live without him?" i think this is a fair question. when we're talking romantic relationships, and we're talking about possible futures therein, the big question isn't so much "is this the ONE?" but rather "is this the one i CANNOT live without?" i mean, who to be with (meaning: spouse) is the second most important decision you will ever make, and you ought to be daaaaamn sure you don't make the wrong choice.

and the thing of it is, i'm not sure. nobody is telling me that i have to be right now... i mean we've only been dating for 3.5 months, but in me there is a sense of urgency to have it figured out. not for the sake of getting married right away or anything, but for the sake of not wasting his time. i love him and i don't want to waste his time. i know enough about him to know that he is future material, but still i don't know whether that possibility is to be explored. i don't know. i don't know. why don't i know? i don't know.

i have speculated that maybe it is ara. ara and i never had a real, solid ending. no conversation, no agreement that said, "we are done, and this is why." i tried to create an ending for myself, but i'm starting to think that that was a temporary solution, because it is something that i am continually having to deal with. the truth is, i have days when i really miss him. it's not about anything that dan does or doesn't do, it's just the person of ara. i miss the person of ara. it's been eating at me for awhile, and it's not that i want it to. i would want nothing more than to be completely undivided in my affections. but i don't know what i have to do to get to that point. i have thought perhaps the solution was to have a conversation with ara in which we both agree that we are purposefully closing the door to any future for us. but what if that isn't enough? and is that really what i'm supposed to do?

i talked with dan about all of this, and i decided that i needed to try to take care of things with ara. i stopped at lubepro's yesterday for an oil change, and we talked for the first time in a couple months. after the obligatory small talk, i asked him this:

"when you are alone and you think about the last year and a half of your life and how stuff went with you and i, ara, are you at peace with how things ended? will you be able to live the rest of your life with no regrets?"

after a long and indirect answer of i-still-think-of-you-all-the-time's and i-miss-you's and i-haven't-dated-anyone-since-you's, he asked the same question of me. i rambled and stuttered per usual as i explained much of the above: that i was seeing someone wonderful, but that i was really struggling with how things ended with us and wanted to figure something out because i didn't know what to do. there were a few tears and a hug exchanged, but no definite conclusions. he suggested that we continue the discussion after both of us had had some time to think about it some more. so we decided on next friday. heres to a week of feeling nervous.

i went over to dan's house last night and told him about the day and cried about it to him. i decided awhile ago that it would be much better to be painfully honest with him so that he could see the mess that i occasionally am than to pretend to be perfect. instead of telling me to go figure it out and then let him know when i had, he half-smiled, hugged me, and said, "honey, whatever you need, just tell me. i'm not worried. maybe my heart just beats before yours. and that's okay."

those words have been going through my head all day. they were beautiful, poetic, perfectly delivered. they make me want to rest in the confidence he has about us. half of me wants them to be true and for him to be right, and the other half of me wants... well i don't know. it wonders if he is wrong, remembering that he is young and inexperienced in the ways of relationships. but he definitely isn't stupid, and he isn't flippant. ** sigh ** i just don't know.

here i am. i will do what You want, i promise. i just need to know what that is and i need the strength to do it.