i have good days and bad days with all of this.

until yesterday, i was really starting to feel significantly better. like jeremy said when he was remembering the movie "swingers": when you first break up with someone, you think about them every moment of the day for a few weeks. as time passes you think of them less and less, until it's just a little thought every once in awhile. not that i had gotten to that point in a week and a half-- not even close, but things were looking up.

and then a couple things happened.

first, i had an online conversation with an old "boyfriend." a guy, who, a couple years ago, i thought the world of... and then he broke my heart. we won't discuss the details, but i will just say it involved a girl that wasn't me and fewer clothes than should have been worn. now don't get me wrong, i doubt this behavior was typical of him, probably just a one-time BIG mistake, but... it broke my heart. twice. it broke my heart that the act had occurred, and THEN it broke my heart that, in what was supposed to be the reconciliation process, he treated me like crap.

so he and i talked briefly... well... i guess it was monday night, but late enough to be tuesday... for the first time in probably 5-6 months, and he disclosed to me that he has a brand new shiny wonderful GIRLFRIEND.

it wasn't THAT he told me, or THAT he had a girlfriend... i mean, i have no residual feelings for him or anything, and it's not that i don't want the best for him or don't want him to be happy, but... after we had that conversation, there was a part of me thinking, "God, why?" this is a pretty selfish thought to have, but i will admit to you that i thought it. why, after what he did to me, does he get to be happy like that first? how fair is that? that i not only had to endure the pain of him cheating on me, but now i get to know about the wonderful new girlfriend that is everything i am not?

please don't answer those questions in my guestbook. i know they are irrational, and that life isn't fair blah blah blah. but really this has bugged me the past couple days.

the second thing that happened was that i talked to ara on the phone last night. it was his birthday. he called me to thank me for the birthday present, and it was okay until we got past the particulars of the day, but then it was just awkward. especially at the end... "i'll see you.... around." "i'll talk to you.... someday." when we hung up i just cried. i guess maybe because i felt the same hopelessness i did with deeg back in the day, or even aformentioned boyfriend... maybe even rock star. i guess i just realized how much would have to change in order for things to get back to (or is it "2"?) good (shameless matchbox 20 plug right there). and i guess what's frustrating is that i know i could handle and help facilitate that; i think i even know HOW to do it, but ara does this thing where, when there was a problem with us, he wouldn't say something about until it became a big deal and he was convinced that nothing could be done. this sucks for me because i can think of the best freaking ideas ever to help fix the problem, but by the time i know about it, it doesn't matter. he's already made up his mind. URGHGHRUGHGURHG.

so yeah... anyway, the reason i feel like crap today is not so much for anything specific that was said in either of the aforementioned conversations, but rather the general feelings of suck that surround the thought of both of them.

talked to mom last night though, and that was a big help. i've been realizing lately that my mom seems to be a fantastic personal crisis... person. she's just so... compassionate and knows what to say when people she loves are hurting. i appreciated that conversation so much.

one more thing. joe is a go. he is coming home with me for thanksgiving. that makes me happy. kind of random, but i enjoy his company a ton, and really it's a blessing not to go home alone for the first of several holidays. should be nice.

okay i'm out. need to do homework.