December 13, 2008

stephie is stuffy.
i am fighting a cold. i am quite stuffy. no no, cold, you will NOT win. my immune system will conquer you before you fully develop. take that.

i am only six days away from holiday freedom. i will journey back to the great states of iowa, nebraska, and missouri, though not necessarily great in that order. i know i was just away for thanksgiving, but i am really looking forward to some more time.

i've been feeling a little overwhelmed these past few weeks. i'm conflicted about work. in my heart, i am longing to be in ministry. i feel like i come alive in a greater way when i'm sharing the gospel with strangers, or doing personal ministry with people. i want to teach, i want to preach. i want to write music. most of all, i want to sit in a prayer room and meditate on the Word. i feel as though i barely know You, and i long for deeper communion.

though my non-Starbucks job gets lauded as being a very noble and selfless endeavor, i feel like a lot of the work i am doing there is producing no eternal fruit, and so therefore it feels pointless to me, and it is hard to be motivated. serving coffee may seem to be in the same category of vanity, but there is actually something quite fulfilling about working at my Starbucks. there are so many relationships built behind and across the counter... so many opportunities for people to open up. i've thought for several years now that my job at the Bucks is the Lord's prophetic poetry... that part of my life commission is to help wake people up, believers and non-believers alike. i like that.

so... i don't really know what the point is here... just to say that i'm longing for some change. i sense in my heart that there will be more clarity as we go to Onething. i think what i want most is just to be wholehearted in my love for Jesus. i just want to be all Yours. You are mine, and i am Yours. i want this to be true in the fullest possible sense. i don't feel as though it is right now, but i want it to be. i want You to own me.

one thing i've been praying for recently is just a greater revelation of the cross and of Jesus as Judge. i think in the days to come, these two things are going to become crucial for us to really have in our hearts, Beloved. i have often, in the way i've thought and spoken of the Lord, neglected to give due attention to part of His character. i think and speak mostly of His gentleness, kindness, and love, but i've been sobered recently by the other side of Him. He is fierce, He is HOLY, He hates sin, He is just. these are all wrapped up in His great love, to be sure, but they are not comfortable. He is not like us. if i will preach of Jesus, i must preach both the Jesus in white, who is beautiful and gentle; and the Jesus in the blood-soaked robe, having trampled on His enemies (Isaiah 63).

i want to accept all of You, Jesus. i do not want to be ignorant and believe only what is comfortable and easy to understand. please, give me Truth in my innermost places.

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