day two.

sarah goo, baby goo, and matt left yesterday morning. i'm not sure that words can describe how much i love them. sarah and i have known each other for almost a decade now, and i would say we have only grown closer with age and distance. what a sister she is! so full of love, beauty, and grace... and ian, the little one who has yet to see with his eyes the diamond of a mother (and father) he is getting. this kid is going to be so loved! i already love him so much! i can't wait to hold him. come soon, baby goo!

i got to pray for ian on saturday night, and sarah said that as soon as i started praying, he started kicking. it made my heart leap to hear this, and it reminded me of just last weekend, when i was at dan's graduation party... there was this couple there who had been trying to get pregnant for a long time... something like ten years, i think. i remember praying for them about five years ago, and finally michelle found out she was preggo at the end of last year. she's about seven months along now, and before they left the party last sunday, i got to pray for her and josiah, their baby. i had my hand on her belly, and as i prayed for josiah, i could feel him kicking. i didn't really think it was unusual, until michelle made a point of saying, "did you feel that? when you started praying, he started kicking!"

it's been on my mind ever since. as i've been reading Rees Howell's biography, i've been thinking about some of the things he learned from the Lord as an intercessor. i think it would be dangerous to say what follows as being absolutely true, 100% of the time, but Howells said that, until a person is willing to take on the affliction of the one he is interceding for, God will not answer the prayer. i've always heard that to intercede is to "stand in the gap" (Ezekiel 22:30). i never really understood what that meant until i started reading this book. i guess i thought it meant just to pray for whatever need was... well... needed... and that, in the process of doing so, the person praying was automatically "standing in the gap". but, no... it seems as though, for effective prayer to occur, the intercessor must come to a place where he/she is literally willing to carry the burden of the one in need of breakthrough. if the need is healing of terminal cancer, the intercessor must be willing to take the place of the one who is sick. the intercessor must literally be willing to sacrifice himself, his time, and his money for the one he is praying for.

essentially, this is one of the primary attributes that makes Jesus unlike any other god men put their faith in:

Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion (Philippians 2:5-8).

but the eternal reward was a heck of a lot better than living a self-pleasing life in this age:

Because of that obedience, God lifted him high and honored him far beyond anyone or anything, ever, so that all created beings in heaven and on earth—even those long ago dead and buried—will bow in worship before this Jesus Christ, and call out in praise that he is the Master of all, to the glorious honor of God the Father (Philippians 2:9-11).

Jesus is the ultimate Intercessor (Hebrews 7:25). He prays for us continually, and the reason His prayers hold such weight before the Father, the reason His death means ANYTHING, is because He, God, was willing to take on human frame. He was willing to become weak, like a man. He was willing to give up His rights, His power, so that with His life-- and death-- He would stand in the gap for the sin of humanity to restore relationship between us and Himself. for some reason, He knew that the payoff would be greater than the suffering He would have to endure before He got to it.

i feel like this is starting to get into my heart a little more. it's starting to get to me that Jesus didn't HAVE to do this... in the sense that, nothing was TAKEN from Him. no one TOOK His life... He gave it.

i think i'm starting to see how, on a smaller level, true intercession is something the God of Heaven is calling His people to. some more than others, perhaps, but... He wants to make our hearts so like His that we feel what He feels for others, that it becomes a joy for us to deny ourselves of legitimate pleasures so that we may see Him victorious in the lives of those for whom we are praying.

how does this relate to ian and josiah? well... for the past year and a half or so, the Lord has just been cultivating this deep love in my heart for babies. especially those who are still in the womb. it's funny... i'm sort of awkward around kids and babies. i don't really know how to take care of them, or to discern what they need, but... i see a pregnant woman, or a newborn, and i just cannot contain the love that springs up in my heart for that baby... and, i don't really think it's the same as my biological clock ticking. there are times when i put my hands on my stomach and have a heart-melting moment as i think upon what it will be like to have a tiny image-bearer inside of me... but, it's a little different with all these babies. i see them, in or out of the womb, and i feel this fierce cry rise up in me, that i will be their voice when they cannot speak, that i will defend them when they cannot defend themselves. if it costs me my life, i will defend these precious warriors.

where the heck does that desire come from? in my human nature, i am full of hell and selfishness. but God has been changing me, little by little, to the point of feeling it would be a joy to give up my rights so that these little ones may live. if that kind of heart change isn't a miracle, i don't know what is.

so, after baby goo left, it just occurred to me that maybe, without me really being aware of it, the Lord has given me a place of authority in praying for unborn babies. maybe there's a place of intercession that i've gained in the past couple of years because God has shared a little bit of His heart with me for the unborn. maybe that's why they kick when i pray.

maybe i'm crazy. could be true.