where did i go wrong? i lost a friend.

i've had a kind of hard and weird few days. simply put, i really miss stephen.

it just sort of hit me a couple days ago. i'm not sure what triggered it. i mean, i have a picture of him and his wife on my bookshelf. i proudly display the "3rd Grade Indian Leg Wrestling Champion" trophy he had made for me in my living room (which, by the way, was hands down the coolest gift anyone has ever gotten me... it's hilarious, and yet... almost makes me cry when i think of how thoughtful it was). so, it's not like i never think of him. i do probably on a regular basis. but, i guess, i usually think of him in the sense that i think about some of my other friends that i hardly ever talk to/see. there is an anticipation, a hope of seeing them again, even if it is in a year.

but on sunday, i was just sort of gripped by the reality that i haven't talked to stephen on the phone in nearly two years. i haven't seen him in nearly four... and unless i just happen to run into him on the streets of virginia, or wherever he lives now, it is unlikely that i will ever see him again.

i think stephen is one of the coolest dudes i've ever known. when i knew him, he was incredibly funny, yet very compassionate. he was a great listener. he was full of the Lord, and would have given away everything he owned just to see God move. i think i learned a lot about communication and transparency from him. i think back and totally think he deserves a gold medal in courage. to this day, he is the only guy who has ever bought me an outfit. he went to the mall with helen one day while i was at work, and bought me an entire outfit-- capri pants, tank top, shirt, sandals-- from the sale rack at american eagle. i was shocked, and even felt a little awkward at receiving the gift, just because... i mean, we weren't dating, and who does that?? but everything fit just right and, four years later, i still wear it. it was just so funny because... he just figured maybe i'd like an outfit, and he had enough confidence that he could find something that i would like.

i talked stephen into seeing napoleon dynamite before anyone knew what the movie was about. i think it was probably my most enjoyable viewing of the movie because i think he almost wet his pants laughing.

there's a lot of other memories, and really, thinking about them is making me sad. but all this is just to say that stephen was a rare find of a person. i don't think i appreciated his awesomeness nearly enough when we knew each other. i wish i had savored the time more.

i pray his life is full of You. i pray he and his lovely one are full of peace and hope and joy. i would really love it if You'd work out some sort of friendship in the future with him and his family.

*sigh*