you're uninvited, an unfortunate slight.

i think those are the right lyrics. i always liked this alanis morrisette song from the city of angels soundtrack, but i have always been a bit confused about the words because in it, alanis puts emphasis on strange syllables. it sort of disguises the lyrics. anyone remember/agree with me here?

anyway, i guess my situation is less uninvited (though i definitely have had that happen before), and more disinvited.

disinvited is about ten times worse than uninvited. disinvited means someone changed his or her mind after inviting you, so even if you were PLANNING to go to the event you were invited TO, you are no longer allowed. uninvited is generally easier, because it means that you were probably never slotted to go, or maybe someone forgot to invite you. uninvited is like someone not calling you on your birthday; disinvited is like someone calling you on your birthday and telling you "you suck."

anyway, i had this friend. we've known each other for three years. he lives in another state, and we've only actually hung out a handful of times, but we've kept in touch on and off. after about july of last year, we pretty much stopped talking. i would call once every couple months or so, and he wouldn't return my phone calls. so one day i sent him a text message to ask him if he was alive. i was concerned because i hadn't heard from him in six months. he text messaged me back and said yes, he was still alive... and basically, he had fallen in love and was engaged to be married.

i was elated for him. it was great news to me.

see, shortly after we had first started becoming friends, he sort of had feelings for me, and while perhaps i thought about it for maybe a month or so, i ultimately decided that i didn't want to be romantically involved. it caused a little weirdness for maybe a month or two after we talked about it, but then he seemed totally fine. i was really looking forward to him meeting a great woman and being really happy in a relationship.

so after exchanging text messages in the fall, i asked him if we were still going to be friends. i said if it were possible, i'd love to be a family friend. but i understood if he (or his fiancee) wasn't okay with it. he took some time to think about it, and shortly before i went to india he sent me this email:

______________________________

this has been on my mind for a while.

it's been easy to ignore because it wasn't an issue.

but it's an issue now.

there's a part of me that always desired to keep in touch with everyone i
knew, to catch up here and there, and to grow up with everyone. but that
part of me has been rapidly diminishing since i met E. i honestly
haven't talked to anyone, especially any other females since i met her.
i've never been really good at sharing my attention. she has gotten the
best of me.

and now that my relationship with E is as serious and final as it is, it
would be a distraction for me to try to maintain any level of friendship
with you.

it's an ugly decision to make and even uglier to convey it to you on an
email. it's a decision i've made with my heart that my mouth just can't
wrap around yet but i know it's the right one for me.

she gets all of me.. and as wonderful as it is to say and feel and believe,
it also requires me to close our door stephanie.

i really do appreciate who you are and i thank you for the trillions of
hours you've poured into me.

there's certainly not a clever way to close this one,
S.
______________________________

it sort of felt like i was being broken up with, you know? usually friendships ebb and flow and disappear sometimes, but for someone to actively say that he "is closing the door", well... it's all around unpleasant and hurtful. but i replied and said i understood, and that i would not contact him again unless he initiated it. i also said that if he and his wife-to-be ever reconsidered, that i would always be open to being friends with them. the Lord can restore anything.

fast forward.

the day i returned home from india, i received a wedding invitation in the mail! it was to his wedding! i was elated. i thought he had reconsidered, and i was so excited. i was making plans to drive to north carolina next month to go to the wedding. it just seemed like such a beautiful act of friendship. like his fiancee and him were saying, come, celebrate the beginning of our lives together. we want you there. and if they were going to step out on a limb to send me the wedding invitation, then i was going to make every effort to go.

so i RSVP'd this past monday.

last night, i received this email from him:

______________________________

i made a mistake stephanie.

your name was on our original wedding invitation list that we made at the
beginning.

since we made the list, my heart changed about the nature of our
relationship and i let you know about my change of heart AND it was also my
decision to NOT include your name on our invitation list at that point.

unfortunately, our list did not get updated to reflect this decision and i
was not aware of it until we got your rsvp that you would be coming.

i'm sorry, but i just DON'T feel comfortable with you coming to the wedding
and i am sorry for the mixup.

please forgive me.

S.

______________________________

and so there you have it, folks. i'm disinvited. it hurts. i'm 0 for 2 this week.

i replied and said i understood, and that in no way was my RSVP sent with the intention of making him uncomfortable or going against his "closing-the-door" email. i rescinded my RSVP and blessed him, and that was it. **sigh** no more friend.

my question is, what changed between the first guest list and the second? what happened that i should be disinvited?

it's stuff like this that makes me long for Home.