making the wrong things right.

i was just telling ms. w today at church how i felt the Lord was wanting to impart to me a vision for understanding the present trials and heartaches as situations that He truly wants to bring breakthrough in during this lifetime. we (and when i say "we", i mostly mean "i") tend to view His interaction with our pain in a fatalistic manner. either i think that my problem is something i am going to have to live with for the rest of my life, but it will all be better when i am with the Lord... or i go to the opposite end of the spectrum and say He wants to bring breakthrough this very instant, and then i am offended and hurt if it doesn't come in my timing. the first fatalistic idea results in burnout, the second results in offense.

and the Lord has been repeatedly stressing that the right outlook on pain is neither of those ideas. He is concerned about the things that are on my heart. He hurts when i hurt. and He wants to bring breakthrough in this life, in His own beautiful way and timing. and the primary reason why He doesn't do it in the timing that i desire is because He knows that i like a great story, and He is all about weaving a beautiful tapestry out of the mess that my life is most of the time. He wants to make it a great story, and many times the best climax comes out of a sustained period of waiting and longing.

i went to go get my oil changed today and i saw ara. it's so amazing the work that the Lord has done in my heart over the past couple of years with regards to ara. it's unlike any other situation in my life, so it's hard to define, but... i'm not angry, i'm not lovesick over him, i'm not really hurt by anything that happened with us anymore... but whenever i see him or any member of his family, i am filled with such love for them. i pulled in to get my oil changed, and my heart just felt oh Ara, it's so good to see you! and we talked and joked around like old friends. ara is one of those people that i think few see the beauty in. he keeps to himself, he looks rough on the outside, he's not particularly well-read or well-spoken... most people probably wouldn't give him a second thought. and yet... i see the gold in him. even now. and it's not a romantic thing anymore. i see the Lord's jealousy for him. i see the reaches of ara's heart toward the Lord, and i feel like the Lord has just imparted a supernatural love for him and his family in my heart. i have asked the Lord for three years if He would let me help win them over to Him. and fairly recently i have felt the Lord hint that He is going to answer that cry. just last weekend i actually met up with ara's sister to help her prepare for a starbucks interview. totally random. but how exciting to see even hints of the firstfruits of my prayers!

also, the Lord has totally been blessing me with some new guy friends. which i have off and on asked for in the past nine months or so. my university-of-chicago-physicist friend Drew (i never would have figured out "antiproton" in last night's crossword puzzle had he not been there), and all the guys from the waukegan Bible study... Angel, Jeff, Ben... just in the past week i have realized how well the Lord has answered that prayer. they make me feel so loved and taken care of. it kind of helps to soothe some of the pain of the one or two relationships right now that hurt my heart (oh Lord, bring breakthrough!). they also make me miss my omaha guys... matthew and jeremy (formerly of omaha, now of IHOP). i am really lucky. i think i know some of the best guys on the face of the planet. none of them hold a candle to my brother, though.

and You... oh, how i felt Your love today! how i feel it now. i know i barely get it, and yet... oh, my heart burns. Your love IS better than wine (song of songs 1:2)... it IS more delightful than all the earthly pleasures. all the legitimate things that i could do and have... all of the natural things i could enjoy that wouldn't be sin... oh Jesus, they just don't compare. fame, fortune, reputation... though my flesh may want them for a season, they just don't satisfy. only You satisfy this desire in my heart for something Real. my desire for a great Love. i love You.