STEPHIE -- now comes with a pop-up timer indicating that she's done!

make no mistake, my friends. it has been THE most difficult six months of my life. the reality of this pain in my heart is no less intense than it was when it started, though i think i respond to it somewhat differently now than i did in november.

most days i cry. some days i sob. i go to my secret place and pour my heart out to the Lord. most days it's hard to get out of bed. the pressure of this is always present. he's everywhere.

tonight was very difficult. it was the three of us. i was not looking forward to going in the first place, but i felt the Lord urge me to go, so i went. i felt very awkward. i tried not to (feel awkward, that is), but... how to make myself not feel that way is beyond me. my jokes aren't really funny to him anymore, which makes me uncomfortable. they are closer than he and i are, which is even more uncomfortable. it just never feels safe to be me around here.

we went to the bible study, we went out to eat, we went to the show at the bar. shortly after we walked in, i just kind of lost it. it wasn't anything specific, i was just processing the whole afternoon, and i just started to cry. thankfully i was sort of by myself, so i could hide it a little. and then they came to find me and invite me to the front, but i decided to go to the bathroom to compose myself. she followed me there. when i came out of the stall she was standing there. she's a good friend. but what was i to say? the one who my heart loves is in love with you. i mean... that statement accomplishes nothing. so i didn't say anything.

a drunk woman came into the bathroom, saw that i was crying, and wanted to console me by telling me how awfully she was abused and treated by men. long story short, we basically got to share the love of Jesus with a prostitute. we got to pray with her and to minister to her, and it was very obvious by the end that the Lord had set up the divine appointment.

and the thing is, it wouldn't have happened if i hadn't been crying. i wouldn't have gone to the bathroom when i did, she probably would have paid no mind to me if i was not visibly hurting, pretty much everything had to have happened the way that it did to set up this encounter. and the thing is, her heart was ready. she was ready to hear the gospel. she needed us to be in that place, at that time.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer." (2 Corinthians 1:3-6).

i think we (myself included) get this idea about God that, if He is so loving and kind and powerful, that He will do everything in His power to keep us from suffering. when we hurt, we look at Him and think to ourselves that we got the short end of the stick. we want everything to go right for ourselves... and the Lord desires this for us too (more than we do for ourselves), but His idea of the "great" life is from an eternal perspective. He is in the business of "soul-making." He is an ardent Lover who is in the business of doing everything possible to win our hearts to Himself in the gentlest way possible, and then fashioning our hearts to love Him back greatly. only, many times the "gentlest way possible" seems very hurtful and harsh to us... but, would we love Him any more if everything was perfect? though we resist and claw and fight against it, we are at our very best when we love Him more and more. we are more satisfied, peaceful, and joyful, even in the midst of crises. we become fully alive. there is no substitute for the tearing of the heart.

if sharing the Lord with the prostitute was the only reason why He encouraged me to go tonight, then the pain is worth it.

friends, i need your love.