when suffering means nothing. or, at least, when it appears that way.

so last night i was driving home, just talking to the Lord about how i felt. you see, there is someone my heart loves, and often i just ache about it. a distant or negative response from him when we speak or interact just breaks my heart, and yet... i hope. i say it all the time-- Lord, i know that You can make diamonds out of coal. i know and believe You can do anything. You give beauty for ashes, and this whole thing, well... it's a big pile of ashes right now.

i found last night that, even in my prayers, i was surprisingly not all that concerned with the final outcome of all this, more just in the day-to-day, walking it out kind of thing. but what i truly want more than anything right now is the nearness of the Lord. i just want to know Him, to hear Him speak. only in Him will i find any measure of peace and comfort. i know.

i haven't had much of either of those two things in the past week. i have felt assaulted, truly. i have just been getting by, feeling so little oil in my heart to share.

so when i pulled into the parking lot last night, i just stayed in my car. i reclined my seat and just laid in my car for about 45 minutes or so, listening to the rain and talking to the Lord. i invited Jesus to come sit in the seat next to me. i held out my hand as i cried and asked Him to hold it.

you see, i think in all of this, i have been tormented by the thought that my suffering means nothing. i've said to the Lord several times, "Lord, this pain is often times severe. it is deep and unrelenting, but it seems so POINTLESS. it seems so insignificant. in the grand scheme of eternity, this one little relationship doesn't really mean much, and in a year i probably will have forgotten most of the tears i shed over it, regardless of the outcome."

i had not often asked, "what's the point?" but it was unspoken, i guess. i mean, that is what made the pain so utterly unbearable at times-- there didn't appear to be a point, yet i could not will myself out of the suffering. i prayed countless times for relief in whatever form, but little came.

i know in this journey with the Lord, suffering is to be expected (even embraced). Paul said, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings..." (Phil. 3:10). sounds a little masochistic, but really, it's about knowing Jesus.

i have spoken to the Lord (though at times hesitantly) that i want to know Him in the fellowship of His sufferings. kelly has said to me a few times that i am experiencing that fellowship now, in this situation. and although i hear what she says, i have often internally scoffed at it. because, well... it's not like i'm being severely persecuted for the sake of the gospel. it's not like i'm being martyred. and yet... i hurt so much. does my suffering mean nothing?

last night the Lord gave me a little piece to the puzzle. as i was laying in my car, listening to the pouring rain, the He spoke gently to my heart. He said,

Stephie, how your heart aches over your interactions with this one whom your heart loves; how you ache and long for him-- THIS is how i feel about the human heart. THIS is how i feel about you. when i show My Love for you and get an awkward or distant response, it pains My heart so. when you tell someone else something important about your life before you share it with Me, it stings. when I see you using a gift I have given you without you having the slightest thought towards Me, I ache. when I see the affections for someone else in your eyes taking priority over your affections for Me, My heart breaks. I grieve when our closest of moments are only memories. I am jealous for you, and I long for a love response from you.

obviously my love for any man is and will always be (until i die) imperfect, whereas the Lord's is not... but last night He showed me that it is a picture of how He feels. and, far from being pointless, the nature of this suffering is of inestimable value because it fellowships with the heart of God as a Lover. it is perhaps one of the most intimate ways of fellowshipping in His sufferings because it is rooted in the intimacy of His heart towards us.

even in the haze of my heartache, the Lord is faithful in showing me His heart, that i may know and love Him better. now the burden is not quite as heavy. it still hurts very much, but it means something. i hope you like diamonds. i might have a few someday.