when your birthday pretty much sucks.

i say pretty much because the last two hours of it were redeemed by the kidnapping.

i really hate that it bothers me when people who should not forget my birthday forget it. i mean, it's silly to care so much. birthdays are such an awkward thing, anyways. i mean, if you go somewhere and people you know don't know it's your birthday, should you tell them? because inevitably they find out the day after and then feel slighted that they didn't know the day of, and you look self-righteous for not saying anything. but you don't want to just voluntarily tell people and then make it look like you're dying for attention.

when i was a kid i loved my birthday because my parents made a big deal out of it. i would wake up to "happy birthday" and get treated like a queen. presents, special dinner, sometimes flowers or balloons at school. see, when you're younger, everyone knows it's your birthday. your grade school teacher's job is to know when your birthday is, and to throw a class party where everyone celebrates the many years you've made it through without dying. birthdays are a BIG DEAL.

and then you go to college. and in college, no one really knows it's your birthday unless you tell them, and no one really cares all that much. and really, why should they?

the thing is, i do not know how to erase that precedent that my family set for me 20 years ago. i don't know how to not care, you know?

this year's was the fourth in a trend of suck birthdays. probably the worst-- right up there with the day i turned 15. it started with the fact that i woke up alone. i mean, i wasn't expecting NOT to, but it wasn't just the feeling of not having anyone physically there-- it was the feeling of being totally and utterly alone. not to mention the weather was awful.

i went to chapel at CLC just to be around people. i went to starbucks to get some coffee and to interview a new hire. i went back to CLC so that i wouldn't have to go home and be alone. poor Dan asked me how my day was going and i burst into tears. i went home and prepared for worship at Encounter, then went back to CLC to practice. the night was okay, and being in the presence of the Lord was really comforting. after the service, i was presented a birthday cake with "Happy Birthday, Stephanie" written in bulgarian on it (awesome). then i was mysteriously blindfolded, tossed over a man's shoulder, and carried out into the bitter january cold. i was put in kelly's car with four other girls and driven to a girls' hang out restauraunt 30 minutes away. we ate way too much food and talked for a couple hours, and then headed home.

so i'm 23 now. which is frightening. because it's closer to 25 than it is to 20. and i found my first gray-- no, WHITE-- hair two weeks ago. i'm still praying that i just got too close to the primer i used to paint one of my mom's rooms.

really, the kidnapping redeemed the day. thank you, girls. the little party just meant so much to me-- i don't think you'll ever know.