it's been said many times, and i think that perhaps i have even said it myself, that the cure for stage fright is to keep performing. perform early and often, and you just get used to the feeling of being in front of an audience. you realize that it won't be the end of the world if you make a mistake, and you find that, unless you're performing for professionals, most people are just thrilled that you have the balls to get on stage, to put yourself out there. a majority of the time they are not so concerned with the pristine quality of the performance; they just want to be entertained. granted, practice helps too.

all that said, i would think that after years of practice confronting problems or just important situations, that it would get easier. but... it doesn't. i mean, i really don't ever get to the point where i chicken out, but i also never get to the point where my stomach isn't in knots or i'm not shaking like a polaroid picture (shameless outkast plug there).

such was the case on friday night. i had decided that it was time to broach the subject of "us" again with ara. we have been hanging out more often lately, things have sort of settled down and become more comfortable. and it has come to the point where i've gotten over that shock and pain of breaking up and have graduated to just enjoying his company again. and as a result, i've just gotten to the point where i genuinely miss him after we hang out. it makes me want to see him more, to talk to him more. so i decided that it would be good to talk about where the relationship was at because... well... i like progress. and it would be pointless to get my hopes up if he's not in the same place.

so after we went to randhurst "ghetto" mall and exchanged a watch he got for christmas, we went over to bakers square for pie. we looked over pictures from jeanna's wedding, we talked about family and life, and then i brought it up.

"so..ummm... lemme ask you a question."

"sure."

**long nervous pause**

"in the past couple months since we broke up, we've been hanging out more and talking more, and i guess i'm just curious... do you feel like your affection for me has... decreased... increased?"

**long nervous pause**

"you know there's another option there."

"what, stayed the same?"

**he nods sincerely**

"i feel just the same about you as i did while we were together. i know i'm not as affectionate, and i haven't been pursuing you like i was before, but it's only because i don't want to leave you hanging, not because i don't want to."

at this point i can't remember specifically what was said in the conversation. i think i shared some thoughts on what sort of problems we were experiencing towards the end of our relationship and why they had come up. he was intently listening, nodding after every point i made. i was shaking i was so nervous, and he took my hand to make me feel more comfortable. i asked him if he had thought much at all about getting back together.

"yeah, i've thought about it. i know i'm going to sound like a broken record, but it all comes back to me being scared about what will happen with my family. i don't want you to have to go through that again."

somewhere in here he started to cry a little bit. *sigh* that always gets me. he looks like such a tough guy, but he cries over me. dang i love that. not that he cries over me, but... that he's willing to cry i guess.

"has anything happened since i went to go talk to them that i don't know about?"

"no, i don't think so."

i think it was at this point that he saw i was still really nervous, so he got out of his booth and came over to my side and put his arm around me and nuzzled his head up against mine. i told him that i really liked being taken care of by him, he said he loved taking care of me.

**sigh**

the conversation moved towards something unrelated. eventually we left the restaurant and he drove me back to my car. we sat in his for another hour and a half, just talking.

"where are we leaving this? are we back together, are we not?"

**pause**

"maybe we should start talking and seeing each other more and just let that dictate the status of our relationship."

"see, though, i'm a girl. and i need the label. i need that security of knowing that there is commitment in the relationship."

"steph, i want to give that to you. if i'm your boyfriend, i want to be able to give you everything. i don't want us to break up again. but right now, i don't know how stuff with my family is going to pan out, and because of that i can't make you a promise. i want to take things slow."

"what exactly does that look like to you?"

"well, we can spend more time together, talk more, and i want you to come over to the house more often so you're not a stranger to my family. i don't want you to think that because we're not officially together that i'm afraid of committing to you. i want you to know that i care for you very very much..."

that kind of got me. it's not exactly what i wanted to hear, but... him suggesting that i come over to his house. he hasn't done that since... august.

we decided to sleep on it and talk about stuff with us again in a couple weeks. after the conversation, i'm okay with where things are at. i mean, if his parents being okay with our relationship is going to be the determining factor in whether or not we will be able to stay together, then i guess it does make sense to feel that situation out before the official getting back together. it's a little frustrating, but after that talk i'm pretty sure he's not trying to skate the issue, he's just trying to be cautious.

so that's pretty much it. just a little update for you. hope you enjoyed it.