what a weekend in arizona. almost feels like it never happened now, it was so short and so dramatic. i sort of miss the canyons.

after a short but harsh confrontation at the phoenix airport yesterday with the most bitter woman i think i've ever met, i've been thinking a lot about the dysfunctional-ness of families. i'm reminded of a quote from a movie i quite used to enjoy in my teen years called now and then, in which thora birch offers this nugget of wisdom on familial relationships:

"it's normal for things to be shitty."

i've spent years in denial of this, but the older i get, the more people i meet, the more i find that, sadly, it seems to be true. people that i have looked up to as models for how i want any possible future family of mine to be like, i find have, to my surprise, quite dysfunctional families themselves. in fact, i don't think that i could name a family i know that isn't dysfunctional in one significant way or another.

now don't take this to mean that i'm not happy or that i think there is no hope for a productive, meaningful, and fulfilling life, because i'm definitely not saying that. what i am saying, though, is that we are all in various states of decay. we are all imperfect people attempting to foster relationships with other imperfect people. and, there are two major problems that we encounter while doing this:

1) we (sometimes unconsciously) expect everyone but ourselves to be flawless.

and

2) we think that since "nobody's perfect," we are excused from striving for that unattainable goal of perfection. we say this is just the way i am and i can't change. which really, when you think about it, is a lot of bullhonkey, because we change every day. usually the changes we experience are involuntary and negative. it takes a much more concentrated effort for self-improvement. we're just too lazy and (let's face it) too damn stubborn to dish out the time and work that would be required to make positive changes.

when i think about my future, i think of how much i don't want my kids to have "issues." i don't want them to have baggage. i don't want them stuck in the middle of family feuds and painful addictions. i don't want them to grow up too fast. i want my kids' entire immediate and extended family to be a wealth of love and support. i want them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is their God, their strength, their joy, their refuge.

and yet, when i think about my kids' future, it saddens me somewhat because i know there is only so much that i can control. i know that not everyone my kids meet will be truly interested in their well being as i will be. and i know that for those reasons and others they will probably have issues.

and that is a hard thought for me.