today is a good day. don't get me wrong, it could be better. my brain could not feel like it was going to ooze out of my ears. thanks, cap'n sinus pressure. but really, i can live with that.

i was deathly ill for about 2.5 days there. really i wanted to die. i don't think i ever want to blow my nose again for as long as i live, thanks to a brutal but short-lived head cold. praise be to zicam for speeding up the recovery process and keeping my armenian boyfriend from getting too sick. he's a believer in sugar boogies now, too.

so back to today. the sun is bright, the air is warm. i led worship this morning for the first time since... gosh, i don't remember. maybe may? sometimes i dread doing it... i guess because there are certain expectations of worship leaders that i am aware of but that i don't necessarily feel like i fulfill. to explain that would require a long exposition filled with lots of "um's" and stuttering, so i will spare you for the moment, but i will say this: i've decided i prefer and enjoy "leading" worship for peers, for people who want to worship and know what worship is. i would rather just feel as though i am worshipping with everyone and i just happen to be the person with the microphone. i've decided that i don't so much like the leadership part of this particular role because i suck at teaching abstract concepts. and i don't like a lot of responsibility. okay that's all i have to say right now about that. i liked it this morning.

i realized after a period of being somewhat angry with God about a couple things that shall remain unsaid for aformentioned reasons, that the person i am without Him is insecure and selfish and just generally not fun to be around. this realization came about after i asked ara to tell me what he thought my character flaws were. let me tell you, people hate that question. i don't like asking it, no one does... because you never really want to hear the answer. you would like for people to think that you are perfect. but what he thinks of me is important to me, and if something i am doing is making his life less pleasant, then i would like to try and change, granted that the request is reasonable and good. bless his heart he said he could only think of one thing; that i was kind of emotionally needy, sometimes. but of course he added that he knows that women on the whole have more delicate emotional needs than men, so what men perceive as being "needy", women interpret as normal. good man. but really this behavior has been much more prevelant in the past two months or so, with the onset of his familial problems. and i do recognize it because i don't feel as secure as i once did, so there is that clingyness factor.

but anyways in the past couple weeks i have somehow come to an understanding of the concept of men and "space." well maybe not an understanding, but a place of contentment for now, mostly having to do with the above realization. also in part due to realizing that i don't need to treat ara like he's manipulating me, because he's not. so it was like a switch flipped. i'm not angry with God anymore, i'm not upset with ara even though things aren't perfect, and i guess consequently i'm not negatively concerned with the status of my relationship with either of the two. so i'm not insecure, i'm not clingy. and so because i'm not so emotionally draining to be around, ara doesn't need much space. looks like maybe we've manhandled the awkward zone and kneed it in the junk.

so what i'm saying is that now i'm perfect again. :)

good deal.