so he's not coming with me.

this makes me very sad. i am trying to resist the temptation to be angry about it, because really, it's not worth it. but it's hard. i've been looking forward to ara coming back home with me for two months... and now... some days it makes me so very angry that all these problems are occurring and there isn't a damn thing i can do about it. it tears ara up inside that, if we stayed together, there may very well come a time when he has to choose between me and his family. understandably he's trying to delay that choice, hoping that things will change. and we pray that they do, but if, heaven forbid, it should come down to that, and he chooses me over his family, will he spend the rest of his life resenting me for being that point of contention?

he came and met me after work last night. we spent an hour and a half talking, or not really talking, and then sobbing. it always moves me to tears whenever he cries because he's not someone that you would ever expect to cry openly. and when he does, that's when he is deeply hurting. he cried because he knew he was disappointing me and my family by not coming to iowa, he cried because he knew i was hurting and said that i didn't deserve to be treated so poorly by his parents. how can i be angry with him when the cause of his grief is my pain? i can't.

sometimes i just wish we could be normal. i just wish we could be comfortable.