now you have closure. i've heard this from two of my dearest tonight. and i suppose in a way they are right. i mean a lot of questions WERE answered today. but closure is when i go to houston and rock star is a freaking jackass and i leave saying, "okay then. i'm done. i did everything i could and you were just a big fat jerk. no more." that's closure.

the reality of it is that i have lived with this for three years. somewhere along the line it just became a part of me. after about a year i just realized that nothing i was doing seemed to make it go away, so i just decided to stop being ashamed of it and to just live with it. and so i have for three years. and i've grown to where i rarely think about it much except on nights like these. having no closure is when you leave a relationship open-ended. that's not what happened here. it was closed. and i don't think i lied to myself or tried to convince myself that it really wasn't. i guess it was just like my heart never got the idea that hey, this is done, you're not supposed to care anymore. so today wasn't really closure. because nothing was said today that i didn't already know in some capacity.

it's funny because it's not like what i said today is something i've been wanting to say forever... i mean it hasn't been bottled up inside me for the past three years. and yet... saying it was liberating. maybe because it fell upon an understanding and compassionate ear. maybe because he heard for the first time how much i unashamedly really just do care. maybe because it didn't have to be a secret anymore and we can both just deal with the fact that i feel the way i do and he feels the way he does. i don't know. but i do know that i lived today. it does hurt and it is worth some tears, but it's still a good day.

let me just say thank you. thank you for being honest. thank you for being a man. you deserve the best. if you ever need a kidney...