it's very weird to have a grown woman look you straight in the eyes from less than two feet away and serenade you with happy birthday in italian. very weird. i'm trying to think under what circumstances this might not be awkward. if she was farther away? no, still weird. if she was singing in english? well, getting better. if she wasn't staring straight at me? that would help. if she was male? that would be good too.

my grandparents took me to the macaroni grill tonight for dinner to celebrate my birthday which is a week from today. the big 2-0. weird. anyway, macaroni grill is one of my favorite restaurants. the atmosphere is very... i don't know... romantic, i guess... they have great food and it's italian food. one of the requirements of every waiter/waitress is that they must not only be able to recite the wine and specials list forwards, backwards, and in romanian, but they must also be able to write their names upside down with not one but TWO crayons. i keep trying to figure out why this is such a necessary skill. the waitress comes over, gives us our menus, takes our drink orders, and then grabs two crayons from the sugar container and proceeds to write her name upside down on the paper tablecloth. and this happens every time i go there. i mean i understand that it is helpful for us to have her name on the table in case we need to yell at her for getting our order wrong, but why does she have to write it upside down? and why with two crayons? i always wonder if that is something the customer is supposed to comment on. maybe the customer is supposed to recognize that the coordination required to perform such an act is directly proportional to the quality of food. are we supposed to tip her more because she can do that? i'd like to know what proper tipping etiquette is for a waitress who can write her name upside down. does she want a medal? some candy? for the love of everything holy somebody tell me what she is trying to get us to do, because i don't understand. and what mystifies me more is that from what i've seen, the writing of the name upside down with two crayons thing is a regional macaroni grill standard. i've been to several in a number of different places and they all do the same thing. so that leads me to believe that this rule is actually in a handbook somewhere. someone high up on macaroni grill corporate ladder decided long ago that all future employees of this company must be able to write their names upside down with two crayons. do they spend time in training on this skill? do they have a professional that comes in and instructs all the would-be macaroni grill servers on the most expedient way to write their names upside down? i need to know.

so my grandparents told the waitress on the sly that it was my birthday. they were not aware of the fact that macaroni grill does not have a standard birthday dessert, but rather a tray of desserts that you may choose from, and, if it is your birthday, you get the dessert for free. so the waitress comes over, asks if we want some dessert, my grandpa nods yes, even though everyone is saying we are too full for more food, thinking that they will just bring out a cupcake for me or something. instead she brings over a tray with 5 different selections on it. so grandpa is looking rather flustered because we all say we don't want dessert. i still did not realize what was going on. the waitress looks a little confused and whispers to him, "i thought you said it was someone's birthday..." to which i understood what was happening. so i quickly chimed in that we would all share a piece of the coffee cheesecake. there was a sigh of relief.

so they send the cheesecake over along with the 20-something girl who sang happy birthday to me in italian. i would have been fine with the cheesecake. it was just so weird because she's looking directly at me while she's singing it, and i'm not sure what is appropriate behavior on my part. i mean it didn't really seem to strike her as a particularly humorous situation, but i could not for the life of me look her in the eye without bursting into laughter. but it seemed childish and disrespectful to stare uncomfortably at the dessert placed in front of me. so i kind of tried to stare past her head so it looked like i was looking at her when really i was not. my grandparents said after her stunning performance that i should get a job singing to people at restaurants. yeah i don't think that will be happening any time soon. it's a thankless job. people may really like your voice but really it's just kind of weird to have someone you don't know stand less than two feet away from you and sing you a song. it needs to be more impersonal. that's what i say. besides, i couldn't work at macaroni grill anyway-- i don't know how to write my name upside down.