i think something changed yesterday.

i can't be sure yet, i don't know how long it will take for me to be sure that it did, but i think something changed. and the reason why i'm not seriously doubting whether it changed or not is because i wasn't even looking for it to change. and what is cool is that if i am wrong and it didn't change, it's not a big deal. by now i'm sure you are thoroughly confused, and rightly so, but my explanation is going to remain ambiguous until further notice.

last tuesday dr. cornwall spoke in my ministerial seminar class. the nature of this class has a lot to do with discussing the logistics of ministry. we've only met a few times, but i think it is a lot of how to's. how to bury, how to marry, etc. more importantly, though, i think it is another chance for students to really understand what ministry is like from the perspective of someone who has been doing it for a long time. the professor is actually the president of my college, and thus far it has been a lot of storytelling, which is very helpful. last week dr. cornwall came in to speak on some of the basics of being a pastor as it relates to psalm 23... "the Lord is my shepherd..." he went through verse by verse and discussed how the psalm depicts the unique relationship between the shepherd and his sheep, an analogy to a pastor and his congregation. if this interests you email me and i'll send you the notes, because they are great. but what is even better are the stories this man has to tell, namely because they are his teachings in practice. writing about it, i feel like i can't do it justice. i can't remember very many details of stories that he told, i just remember the impression that they left upon me.

he spoke at our retreat this past weekend. the theme of the retreat was the five foundations of marriage. the five foundations being communication, spiritual concepts, blendable backgrounds, sexual compatibility, and working with finances. again, if you want more info on that email me and i'll hook you up. but i need to tell a story that he shared with us. bob cornwall is now 77 years old. he has two daughters, but he always wanted four. one sunday while he was pastoring he met this teenage girl who was in the last stages of anorexia and bullemia. she was 5'9" and weighed 89 lbs. her family sent her to live with her aunt in the last weeks of her life because none of them knew how to handle her. dr. bob was upset by the fact that everyone, including the girl herself, just accepted the prognosis that she was supposed to die in a week. so that sunday, the first day they had ever interacted, he said, "would you like to be my daughter?" he offered to have his family take her in to their home like she was one of them, and she said "yes." so he had her hold her right hand up and say that she was now officially a daughter of bob cornwall. then he told his wife that they had a new addition to the family and told the aunt that the girl was his daughter now. the aunt was grateful to have the girl off of her hands. so dr. bob's wife took the girl out shopping that afternoon and bought all new clothes, makeup, etc., etc. because they didn't want this girl to have to use anything that reminded her of her past. they brought her home. dr. bob showed her each room in the house, saying, "this is your house. this room belongs to you." he took her into her bedroom and had her say, "this is my room. everything in it is mine." he told her that it was only hers and that he would never come in except by invitation. he then showed her the kitchen and all the food and had her say, "this is my kitchen. this is my refrigerator. this is my food." the point in all of this was so that she would feel a sense of ownership, that the house would become a home for her. which was amazing in itself. that night before bed dr. bob and his wife were praying that God would show them how they could help this girl.

so late that night, the first night of her stay, dr. bob hears the girl get up and go down to the kitchen and start eating. he waited for awhile and then went down to join her. at first she was ashamed to be eating in front of him, but he made it clear that there were to be no apologies. it was her kitchen, her refrigerator, her food. he said he was hungry too. so they both pigged out, and he said, "this is the part where i go back to bed. what do you do?" she said, "i go to the bathroom and throw up what i've eaten." he said, "well okay then. let's go together. i'll go first." so they both went to the bathroom, he stuck his finger down his throat and vomited up everything he had just eaten, and then said, "okay. it's your turn. show me how it's done." so she, being the more experienced bullemic, proceeded to vomit up her food quite easily. he gave her a hug and then they went to bed. the next night the same thing happened. again he went with her to the bathroom and volunteered to be the first to throw up. the third night the same thing happened. they met in the kitchen, and after they were done eating, dr. bob says, "time for the bathroom. i'll let you go first tonight if you want." they go to the bathroom, and she looks at him and says, "i won't if you won't." and he says, "really? tonight or forever?" and she says, "forever." and she didn't. ever again. she lived with dr. bob's family for six years and completely regained her health. then dr. bob married her to one of his congregants and she has been wonderful since.

that was the story that stood out most to me. i mean, what kind of love does it take to do something like that. to throw up with your bullemic daughter just to show her that she is not a disgrace, that she is still loved? it's just one example of many that dr. bob spoke of this past weekend that shows how concerned God is with our needs and desires. dr. bob got another daughter and the girl lived. what more can you say? i guess what got me this weekend was just seeing how faithful God is. there has been this internal dialogue going on in me for a long time, i think i mentioned in several months ago, about the nature of God's will and whatnot, regarding whether it is specific or general. and it's not like i have a concrete answer to this question, but after this weekend i'm really convinced that there is more of a purpose in His will than simply the outcomes of decisions we make. not that i didn't believe that before, but it's different now... i guess i think there is more of a purpose than i initially thought. sorry this is so confusing. i'm just still processing...