speechless.... sort of.

well, it's quite certain that i will never forget this night, though now it feels like it's been days since it all happened, and not merely hours.

i don't think there is any way i could ever deny the existence of God or the devil after today. there's stuff in the Bible that i definitely believe, but until tonight had never seen with my eyes.

tonight was unreal, yet more real than i probably realize right now. and, it was sobering. my heart needs to be totally surrendered to You.

en route to so-cal.

i left redding at about 6:00am this morning, via extremely small plane where earplugs were distributed on board because of how loud everything was . it was sort of bittersweet leaving. i suppose it has been that way with every place i've visited since i started this trip. i know the good times have to become memories at SOME point, and it's probably good to leave before you are wishing that the good times would become memories, but even so... do you ever think about how sometimes the best part of an experience is the memory of it? like, often times i find myself savoring the sweetness of a moment more after it has passed, rather than while it is happening.

why does that happen? something about it doesn't seem quite right.

i had a layover in the san francisco airport, which is most definitely the poshest airport i've ever been in. at 7am on a sunday morning, all of their fine dining restaurants were open. i had overpriced soup for breakfast, and a piece of white chocolate raspberry mousse cake/pie/something. definitely an atypical breakfast, but somehow, i felt it was the perfect thing to order. in my mind's eye i just had this picture of Jesus sitting across from me at my little table, grinning at me and pleased to no end at my food selection. it made me smile all morning. oh, i love Him. He makes my heart sing like no other.

i got into san diego at about 10am this morning. it really is beautiful here. i've never been here during the winter, but san diego just strikes me as being the definition of summer. the way it looks and smells and sounds, it just has summer written all over it. the last time i was here, it was with Dan, which is sort of strange to think about, but not unpleasant. how much You have done inside of me since then!

i found out a week before i left that Paul would be here in san diego at this time. also strange, being as how we haven't had a real conversation in over a year and a half. who knows? we may have a real conversation here, a thousands miles away from where we typically see (and humorously avoid, sort of) each other. perhaps this is a time for tying up loose ends, and having real fellowship.

lindsay, another omahaian, is also in the city, so we will try and meet up as well. i'm finding that it seems to triple the Adventure Factor when i get to meet up with people that i know from other places in a place that is foreign to us both. i don't know why, but i like it. we should do this more often.

it is so good to see Mary. i miss her company.

wrestling.

today has been one of those days that i can't really decide yet whether or not i'm glad that it happened.

on one hand, it was a great day. first, the weather. redding summers are characteristically 100+ degrees. today, though... it was upper 70's. that is acceptable for a warm-bodied yankee such as myself. sunny, no humidity, nice breeze. perfect weather.

second, i sat in on the classes for bethel school of supernatural ministry. i didn't even know bethel church had a ministry school, and most certainly didn't know that some of the students would be in housing at simpson college, and MOST CERTAINLY had no idea that my dorm room would be in the same hall as all of the bethel students. the sessions were just... amazing. kris vallotton's message today was just incredible. i don't even know what to say about it yet, i'm still processing through its implications...

third, i sat in the alabaster house for about an hour today after class. i guess the alabaster house is sort of akin to the prayer room at IHOP, maybe. except, it is small, and in the shape of the star of David, i think. there are windows on every side, overlooking gardens, with mountains along the horizon. there is a fountain in the middle of the room, and so behind the music that is playing, you hear the sound of flowing water. i indeed felt the peace of God as i entered this place. i mostly just sat for an hour, listening, praying, wrestling with the idea that, being made in the image of the Living God, i already carry His glory. i do not have to perform to be loved by Him. i do not have to work to walk in the authority of Jesus. all of my work must flow out of love... it must flow out of my identity, not shape it. these are hard things for me to really believe. i know they are true because the Word of God says so, and God does not lie... but, i have bought into certain lies about who i am and who God is for so long... sometimes it takes a bit of kneading to get the Truth inside of my heart, so that i KNOW it, and not just think it.

i walked the mile and a half from bethel back to the university campus at dusk this evening, and watched as the sun set behind the mountains. redding reminds me probably of fort dodge, iowa, more than anything else, except with different terrain. i haven't seen the downtown area, but it isn't a very snazzy town, from what i've seen so far. it is quiet and rustic... very spread out, yet nestled between mountain ranges. who would have thought that in this one town, blind eyes and deaf ears open on a weekly basis? that in this one little california town, thousands of people have been completely healed of numerous forms of cancer over the past decade, and with increasing measure as time passes? in this town, thousands of ordinary christians are being trained to do the work that Jesus said we would do as we preach the message of the Kingdom: heal the sick, raise the dead, cast out demons? i imagine this happens in other parts of the country. i KNOW it happens in other parts of the world. but this is a normal, every day thing in redding, at bethel. i could feel it today. the air is just different here.

and that is why i'm undecided as to whether or not it's a good thing that today happened. because, although i haven't really connected with any people here, i just don't know how i can leave and be satisfied with less than what i am experiencing right now. i cannot go for months without experiencing Your presence as much as i do here. i just can't live without this. and it's kind of a disturbing thought, because i don't know what that means. does it mean i am supposed to be out here? am i supposed to come to bethel? i mean, the easy answer is of course, "no", because i have a life established in chicago. but if i say "no" too quickly... am i being like the rich young man? on his knees, pleading, he asks Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life, and Jesus tells him to go sell everything he has and give to the poor, and then to follow Him. but the rich young man is disheartened, because he has much earthly wealth. he doesn't do it. he does not say yes to Jesus.

i guess what i have been wrestling with tonight is, how willingly i would respond if You instructed me to up and relocate? i used to think of this question with reference to missions. what if You called me to be a missionary in some country in africa? i mean, i'd like to visit africa, but i don't want to live there. so, if You wanted me to live there, You would have to change my heart, i would always say. but, i think sometimes the decision is more difficult. like, with redding. i like it here at bethel. i WANT to be in this atmosphere. but often times i think i cling to the security of location, and proximity of friends and family, much in the same way that the rich young man clung to the security of his money. if my question to You is, Jesus, what must i do to walk in the destiny that You have called me to, and You were to say... put everything in chicago on hold, and come to redding... would i do it? if it meant giving up a lot of earthly rewards, and disappointing people that i love, would i do it? the rich young man sincerely wanted eternal life, but he would not go after it unless he could get it on his own terms. i've known You long enough to know that You do not operate on my terms, and often what You ask of me is opposite of my own terms, or at least i think it is... at first.

just to be clear, i don't THINK that God is asking me to move to redding right now. i think this is probably one of those questions that i'm to wrestle with for a bit, and to ponder on in my heart. i WANT to be a woman who will think nothing of obeying Jesus when He asks me to leave everything and follow Him. i don't know what that will look like in my life, but i want to say "yes", no matter what.

i don't have any answers right now. so... here's to walking hand-in-hand with my Abba. i want to see what You are doing, that i may do just that. nothing more, nothing less. Your perfect will here on earth, as it is in heaven.

adventures in redding.

so i am in redding, california. i know absolutely no one here. i am staying in my very own dorm room on the simpson university campus. tonight, as i was preparing to walk over to the campus coffee cafe, i heard a woman ask anyone if they needed to go to walmart. she wasn't talking to me, but i decided to take her up on the offer.

so sandra and i went to the redding walmart together. i got a few snacks, then stopped at the walmart mcdonald's to get some dinner. here is the conversation that ensued between myself and the walmart mcdonald's employee:

ME: i would like two grilled chicken snack wraps, please. one honey mustard, one barbecue.
HIM: i'm sorry, we do not do the grilled chicken, only crispy.
ME: oh. okay. well... in that case, i will take one. honey mustard, please. and a strawberry shake.
HIM: we don't have any ice cream. and your snack wrap is going to take 6 minutes while we fry the chicken.
ME: how about i make this simpler. i just want one of these (pointing) bread pretzels. and a packet of honey mustard.
HIM: just a pretzel?
ME: yes, and the honey mustard.
HIM: (turns to another employee) hey, votto, where's the pretzel button on the register? oh, there it is. your total will be $2.04.
ME: okay. (hands him money)
HIM: your order number will be 206.
***** 5 minute wait, while pretzel stares at me through glass *****
HIM: do you want butter on your pretzel?
ME: no. just a packet of honey mustard, please.
HIM: we don't have honey mustard. and we are supposed to charge 10 cents for sauce.

i'm not making this up. this conversation actually happened.

sandra decided to go to in and out burger after our walmart trip to redeem the fast food experience for me. apparently in and out burger is a "must-see" in redding, so i am thankful that i was able to experience it. sandra says that they have a "secret menu" of items that are not listed on their store menus, but that you can order from any in and out burger. unfortunately, sandra did not know anything that would have been on the secret menu, so i ended up getting a burger and a strawberry milkshake, and i must say... the milkshake was one of the best i've ever had. and there is scripture discreetly printed on most of the wrappers. quite interesting.

tomorrow i am going to sit in on classes at the Bethel School of Ministry. i can't wait.

are you tracking with me? i amtrak-ing.

so, if you have never taken amtrak for a long ride, i suggest you do this sometime before you die. i LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the train, i've decided.

i was expecting it to be like a plane. crowded, cramped, and altogether unpleasant for a long ride. but traveling coach via the amtrak Coast Starlight was like staying at the Ritz Carlton. first of all, the baggage restrictions are much less stringent. second of all, even in coach seating you have more room than you would have in first class on a plane. third of all, you don't have to wait for the stupid bell to ring, alerting you that it is safe to "move about the cabin". it is always safe for you to move about the cabin, and there are no seatbelts! fourth of all, the food is really good.

i was on the train for what ended up being about 16 hours. we started in olympia, and made a longer stop in portland. since we had an hour to kill, i decided to walk around downtown portland to see what the city had to offer. turns out, nothing. it offers nothing. downtown portland looks nice, but nothing was open in the middle of a weekday. and i was approached by multiple transients in the few blocks that i walked, who all were asking for money so that they could "get out of this place". so apparently, people who are in portland don't want to be there.

i decided that i would make a dinner reservation whilst on the train. they have a snack car that you can visit any time, but there is also a dining car, which is like a restaurant, that you must make reservations for. i decided that i would eat in the dining car for dinner, since i had never had the experience before. since there were so many reservations, i was seated at a table with an engaged couple from vancouver. they were traveling to san francisco for vacation to celebrate the girl's birthday. we ate and talked for some time, and then our checks came. all through the conversation i was wondering how i could steer the conversation towards Jesus. it sort of happened by accident, at least on my part. the dude was talking about being scared to death of flying in an airplane, because (and i quote) "i've done the research, and there's nothing you can do to save your ass at 38,000 feet" (on a side note, i just had to laugh to myself at that... really? research? okay...), and i said something to the effect of, "yeah, i used to have the same kind of fear when i was younger." somehow, this intrigued him.

"when you were younger? like... how young?"
"well, when i was a kid. then, when i was 14, i met Jesus, and i didn't have fear anymore of flying because i knew that He was taking care of me, and would not let me die until my time had come."

well that just got him going. it was quite humorous, actually, watching what ensued. this guy and his fiancee got into a sort of argument about the necessity (or lack thereof) of religion. he was totally opposed to organized religion, and she was (probably in part to help me not feel offended) trying to convince him that religion was a good thing, and that some of his beliefs about spirituality and relativism didn't make any sense. i found it funny not THAT they were arguing, but that such a seemingly innocuous comment from me just started such a heated debate between them. i also found it funny that i didn't have to participate in the conversation again for a good 20 minutes after that. i just let them argue, and tried to listen for where they both were coming from.

at first i didn't see it going anywhere good. it seemed like this dude was so steeped in relativism and post-modern thinking, and had no desire to know God. he said he had no tangible evidence to prove that the God of the Bible was real. he said he had asked for Your help in battling drug addictions, and making it alive on plane flights, and though he is now no longer addicted to drugs, and he made it alive on every plane he has flown, he attributes all of the good to his own self. as he was telling me this, i could see other train-goers trying to get their ears closer to listen, without appearing as though they were listening. some guy next to us was bold enough to interject and tell this dude that he totally agreed with him, and not with me. which again, i found hilarious.

in my heart during the conversation, i was asking You what the root issue was that was keeping this guy from coming to know Jesus. i'm not making this up when i say that i felt the Holy Spirit say that his mother had died, which i dismissed at first because earlier in the conversation, he had talked about his "parents" in present tense, as though they were both still alive. but a minute or two later he brought it up on his own, not giving any details, but implying that his mother had been murdered, and how could a good and compassionate God have allowed such a thing to happen?

i don't know that i ever really answered any of his questions, but somewhere towards the end i asked him if he would want to know You, if You truly existed in the way that the Bible describes, and he answered without hesitation, "oh yeah... who wouldn't?" i told him that You love to reveal Yourself to those who want to know You, and he seemed to want to believe what i was saying. i asked them if i could pray for them, that You would reveal Yourself to them in a way that only they would know it was You. when they agreed, i told them that because i love You and have relationship with You, You listen when i pray, and You move in response (the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective, you know). i said i wasn't praying some rinky-dink little prayer. i told them that i was going to pray, and something was going to happen, and that they should expect to see God revealing Himself to them in some way in the next 24 hours, and they should respond.

**i giggle as i write this because i remember what boldness came upon me as i spoke this. thank You, Lord, for Your love that compels me to share You with others!**

so i prayed. i don't even remember what i said, but i looked up afterwards, and this guy... the hardened, self-exalting post-modernist was visibly shaken. for the first time in the conversation, he had no words. for several moments, he would not look at me or his fiancee. she put her arm around him and said in his ear, "did you feel that?" he hesitated for a moment, and responded soberly, "yeah... yeah i did." they felt Your presence.

at that point i felt like it was time to wrap up the conversation. in hindsight, i wasn't sure if i should have laid out the Gospel more clearly than i did, but this guy told me that he had heard about Jesus many times, so i think he knew, but there had never been a heart connect before. it seemed to me like maybe they needed a little time to soak in what was happening.

in any event, i thanked them for their company, and they thanked me, and the guy sincerely said, "maybe God sent you to us to tell us all of this". i smiled and said, "He is SO good, and He is known for setting up encounters like this." i didn't mean for it to sound so mysterious, but i think it did, and i left it on that note.

i went back to my seat so excited for what You did. what precious people! there was obviously a heart change there.

i slept on and off until i reached redding, california, at approximately 3:35 am. i called a cab to come pick me up and to take me to simpson university. i arrived at approximately 4:00am.

that train ride was one of the coolest experiences i've ever had. i wish i had enough time that i could always travel by train. that is what i would choose.

so here i am. at simpson university. in a totally new place, knowing absolutely no one. this should be fun.

olympia.

i have no clever titles for this post. it's only to say that i have spent a day and a half in olympia with Kim Stamp and family. it's been five years since i've seen them, which is hard to believe. kim's kids have grown up so much. her oldest son, garrison, used to be this adorably nerdy, thick-spectacled 10 year old. now he's a 15 year old heartthrob. the older garrison is a stand up dude, for sure, but i miss the cute nerdiness of his 10 year old self. i only got to see it once.

Kim and i spent much time talking. i really love this woman. she is so wise, and yet will take counsel from someone half her age. she is a fireball, and full of great ideas. she is ambitious, and disciplined. she loves coffee, and is excellent at making people feel at home. she is constantly seeking to make You the center of her life, even through some devastating trials that i could hardly imagine living through.

i wish we were closer.

the stamp family has an australian labradoodle named Tegan for a dog. this dog looks like Fonzie from the muppets and has the most hilarious dog-personality. if you point to anything and say "go get 'em, Tegan!", he will run unreservedly after whatever it is he thinks you are pointing at, even if it is a wall.

it is really beautiful here. less crowded than seattle, with so many tall, tall, trees. and mountains everywhere. the horizon reminds me of how i painted my room every time i see it.

i'm leaving on a train for redding soon. this should be fun. i've never taken a train for longer than a couple hours before. i'll let you know how it goes.

space needle and thread.

i'm not sure that i could communicate clearly in one post how amazing the past five days have been. it isn't so much that any particular event has happened to make this trip so stellar... it is hard to put my finger on it exactly.

i think mostly, it's the people. my first morning in seattle, i met Celia. she is one of Dona's good friends from carbondale. because the chicas we were staying with had to work and do normal life things during the day, Celia and i decided to explore seattle together. we navigated public transit. we visited the klondike gold rush museum (it's free!). we saw the seattle public library (THE coolest library i've ever seen). we had a clover cup of coffee on 7th and pike. we had lunch at the new orleans. we tasted many samples and bought flowers down at pike place market. we looked over the water on pier 62. we talked and talked and talked. about life, love, and Jesus (as if you can separate them!). we prayed for and talked to homeless people together. we had three days of intense bonding, and it was just fabulous. she is a true sister, and a fierce follower of Jesus.

then, there was Abigail, Dona's maid of honor. i wish i had been able to spend more time with this lovely one. she is a renaissance woman, to be sure. she dances, and plays music, and sews, and makes cheesecake awesomely (well... it LOOKED awesome... i didn't actually get to taste it). AND she has a shark tattooed on her back (she calls it her "Jesus fish", which i think is just awesome. there is a quiet intensity about her that intrigues me. she let Celia and i take over her apartment, and was a great hostess.

then, Dona. i just love this woman. she is funny, and transparent, and loves You. she is easy to be with. she married Braden this weekend. i think Abigail said it very well during the reception toast when she said, "there is no one for Dona but Braden, and no one for Braden but Dona." i just met Braden a couple days ago, but meeting him, and having known some of their story, i agree. i really loved being a part of their wedding, and meeting Dona's family. turns out, her family has been to Christian Life Church, and they are good friends with Steve Sampson, this traveling minister dude that i've known since i was 14. it's crazy how all of that happens!! it is crazy how He threads our lives together.

last night, after the wedding, Celia and i went over to the Gray's house and hung out with some other people from Blue Sky. turns out, Luke's parents are coming to Chicago in a month or so, and want to hang out. hilarious.

several times throughout this trip i have been struck by how strange all of this is. it is quite likely that, had i never known Drew, i would not know any of these people. that just sort of blows my mind when i think about it... how one person sort of opens the door for a multitude of other relationships.

so anyway, seattle has just been... wonderful. i have felt very free, and alive. i feel adventurous, and independent. i really have felt Jesus walking with me, and enjoying this time with me.

i will try to post pictures sometime soon. my camera stinks, so the pictures are not great. i think many of the memories of this trip are really for me to treasure in my heart, and so pictures have not really been a priority. i'm not really sorry about that, but i will apologize for your sake.

love you, friends. next stop: olympia.

sleepless in seattle.

i'm not really exaggerating when i say this. i actually AM in seattle, and i am also without sleep. i am pretty much going on about 40 hours of little to no sleep. i didn't mean for this to happen, it just did. my flight left chicago at 5am this morning, which meant i was instructed to be at the airport by 3am, which meant leaving mundelein around 2am. which meant sleep just didn't happen.

my friend steve came over last night and helped me pack military style. it was/is incredible. i fit all of my stuff into carry-on baggage. two weeks' worth, plus my laptop. this probably isn't really that impressive to you, but it would be if you really knew me and have ever had any experience with me visiting a place for longer than a day or two. i have separate bags for shoes, toiletries, and books, not to mention a guitar, a laptop bag, and hanging clothes. it's ridiculous. and what's funny is that i never use half of what i bring, and i'm not really that high maintenance. i guess i just like options, and if i have the room, i will give myself options. but not this time, baby. THIS TIME, i didn't check a bag. getting through security was kind of a drag, having to take out my laptop from my suitcase and then re-situate all my crap... BUT, this is a first for me. i have never NOT checked a bag.

so i've been in seattle all day. i hopped on a bus from the airport to downtown, and a handsome and charming man named Morgan sat next to me. he gave me advice as to what to do while in the seattle area, and where to get off the bus. i'm not sure how i would have fared without Morgan's help this morning, because it is impossible to understand seattle bus drivers on their bus intercoms.

i had lunch with amy binder and her family, which also was hilarious because these are people i only know from chicago, so to meet up with them in a completely different part of the country is just... strange.

i've been hanging out around pike place market for the past couple hours, and will catch a bus to my intended destination tonight. i can't wait. i am so excited about the next two weeks. i feel as though there are new adventures and people for me every day... but also, i feel like this is a retreat. i'm seeing people i know, but mostly it's just You and me, and i am excited about that. i've wanted this for awhile.

zzzzzzzz.

pockets full of change.

life is full of transition right now. relationships are evolving, i've moved, i've accepted a new role at gwayo, Torch is moving forward. there is so much going on.

i have many questions right now.

who am i becoming? where am i going? what am i to do on the way to where i'm going? does comcast REALLY appreciate my patience as i wait on hold for twenty minutes for them to help me?

i haven't done a very good job of keeping still the past few weeks. i know i'm still walking with Jesus, but i am so in need of deeper connection with Him.

also, i'm leaving in less than a week for a vacation of a lifetime.

so... this is it.

it's my last night here. all but a couple small things are moved. steve yi came over to help me clean tonight. you have no idea how thankful i was and still am for that totally random offer. i probably would have been up all night if it were not for him. i had planned on doing it all myself and being done at 10:00pm, but the thing is... whenever i make an estimate of how long something will take to do, it usually ends up taking about triple the amount of time i thought it would. this is just something you will have to accept about me. it doesn't work to take into account that something will take much longer than i thought it would, because the phenomenon occurs with relationship to my honest assessment and announcement of time, rather than having anything to do with the actual task being performed. it's just part of how i do, so deal with it.

tomorrow the carpets will get cleaned, and then i will bid farewell to my little space. it's not so much the leaving that is weird about this all-- it's the idea that i can never go back. the space will never be as it was, and i cannot go back to it. that is weird to me.

give me a moment while i think about this.

...still moving.

but still not to wordpress.

if the Bible allowed for swearing, i would have to swear that the amount of things i own seems to increase exponentially with every car load i take to the new place. it's a good thing our apartment is so huge.

it makes me wonder, though, how i ever managed to get such large quantities of stuff into a space half the size of the new digs.

i'm still feeling emotional about it all. i feel like my old place is a person that i'm trying to spend as much time as possible with before we must part ways and never see each other again.

for more reasons than this, it's been a sentimental day. i miss my family. it's been a long time since i've seen them.

that's all for now.

i'm moving...

psych!

well... not really, i guess. i AM moving. for real... but usually when a person writes a post with that title, it means they are moving to wordpress. i am NOT moving to wordpress. so, ANYWAY...

it sort of looks like a rain forest from my bedroom window right now.

it was pouring a short while ago, but now the sun is out, and all the leaves are glistening. it looks misty beyond the trees. birds are chirping, and drops of water are falling from leaves and branches. if there were monkeys, crazy-colored frogs, and more trees, my third-story view would be totally believable as a rain forest.

in two weeks, i will leave this apartment, and probably never set foot in it again. it probably sounds ridiculous, but this has been a pretty emotional thought lately. it's not that i'm not looking forward to the change. it IS exciting, and i don't doubt that it is what You have for me in the next season... it's just... hard. change is always hard for me, even when it is good. i make strong emotional attachments to places and people. i have so many memories here in 312. how many days and nights have i spent here, sitting before You, poring over Your Word, and asking You to come? how many times have i drifted off to sleep, just chatting with You, Jesus? my home is filled with Your presence. it is filled with peace. i know it's not the apartment itself, i know... it's just that i associate Your peace especially with this place.

the new place is really nice. and huge. it's on anthony ave., in between the train station and the post office. unit 405. you should stop on by. we can fit you and your entire extended family in the new place. i'm not making this up. it's that big. and, the owners are letting me paint! my room is already three different shades of green.

i'll post pictures soon...

i'm always gonna show up.

a few months ago i stayed overnight at brandon and erica's place. erica was deeply engrossed in the third season of Grey's Anatomy, and so against my better judgment, i joined in.

there was part of one episode that has stuck with me since seeing it in April.

Meredith and Derek have an argument, because Meredith unknowingly endangers Derek's opportunity to become Chief of Surgery by letting another contender know that the position is available. Derek is angry at Meredith, and yells at her for telling anyone else about the opening. Meredith leaves the hospital alone that evening and goes home. Derek shows up at her place.

D: You left without me.
(awkward look from Meredith)
D: Now you're not talking to me.
(eye contact. silence. Derek sighs.)
D: I was a jerk. Sometimes boyfriends can be jerks. It doesn't mean you stop talking to them.
(eye contact. silence.)
D: You get that I'm saying I'm sorry... right?
M: You yelled at me for no reason, and you walked away, and now you show up here.
D: Of course I showed up. Why wouldn't I? You don't trust me?
M: I do.
D: Well, this is how it works. You fight sometimes, and somebody apologizes.
M: Well how am I supposed to know that?
(light bulb appears to go off in Derek's head. a mixture of surprise and understanding.)
D: You've never done this before.
M: No, I've never done this before.
D: Hmm. Okay, alright. Well, this is -- From now on you can expect that I'm gonna show up. Even if I yell, even if you yell. I'm always gonna show up. Okay?
M: Okay.

apparently Meredith had never had a relationship in which she successfully worked through a conflict. she and the guy would fight, and he would take off. that's it. relationship, done. this was the first time a man showed up after a fight. even if i yell, even if you yell. i'm always gonna show up.

i saw this scene, and i cried. i cried and cried and cried. and i cried some more.

there was something in my heart that deeply identified with what was happening here. i have never had this kind of security with an earthly man, yet it is something i've always desired. i've always wanted a man with a kingly heart. a man who will not give up. a man of courage.

if a fictional character who doesn't give a rip about You can get it right, surely the real thing must be that much more amazing.

day eight.

it's funny when you can remember exactly what you were doing this day a year ago. it was 07/07/07. a year ago today i was at titan stadium for The Call Nashville with 75,000 other people. we repented for our nation, we cried out for our land, we worshiped together. i remember he called me that day to tell me that he was a samuel. i remember being so surprised when they brought out three engaged couples to be married in front of everyone, as a beautiful picture of the great Wedding that is to come. i had that feeling-- i think most everyone there probably did-- that you feel when you know that something you are seeing with your natural eyes bears in it a significance far greater than what is visibly happening. it was so strong that day... my heart just wanted to burst. God was so tangibly THERE. i remember that night being on the phone and eating carrots and praying and crying for joy at the goodness of God, and how He carried me through such an intense time.

it was a really sweet summer last year. there were a lot of surprises. a few trials. but it was full of God, it really was.

as amazing as last summer was, though, i think this will prove to be the best one yet.

p.s., i love goo.

on sunday afternoon, after an amazing breakfast at egg harbor and a relaxing stroll through mount prospect's farmer's market, sarah, matt, andy, and i all chilled in my living room and spent two hours reading our individual books. we didn't talk, we didn't entertain each other, we just each did our thang. sarah remarked afterward how sweet it was that we could just all BE. in the same room, comfortable, enjoying each other's presence, and yet not feeling like we had to talk or entertain each other. she had a yen to write a blog about it, but i could not remember my network password, and alas, she could not get online, so the moment passed. but, indeed, it was a moment. i thought it was worth mentioning. :)

day two.

sarah goo, baby goo, and matt left yesterday morning. i'm not sure that words can describe how much i love them. sarah and i have known each other for almost a decade now, and i would say we have only grown closer with age and distance. what a sister she is! so full of love, beauty, and grace... and ian, the little one who has yet to see with his eyes the diamond of a mother (and father) he is getting. this kid is going to be so loved! i already love him so much! i can't wait to hold him. come soon, baby goo!

i got to pray for ian on saturday night, and sarah said that as soon as i started praying, he started kicking. it made my heart leap to hear this, and it reminded me of just last weekend, when i was at dan's graduation party... there was this couple there who had been trying to get pregnant for a long time... something like ten years, i think. i remember praying for them about five years ago, and finally michelle found out she was preggo at the end of last year. she's about seven months along now, and before they left the party last sunday, i got to pray for her and josiah, their baby. i had my hand on her belly, and as i prayed for josiah, i could feel him kicking. i didn't really think it was unusual, until michelle made a point of saying, "did you feel that? when you started praying, he started kicking!"

it's been on my mind ever since. as i've been reading Rees Howell's biography, i've been thinking about some of the things he learned from the Lord as an intercessor. i think it would be dangerous to say what follows as being absolutely true, 100% of the time, but Howells said that, until a person is willing to take on the affliction of the one he is interceding for, God will not answer the prayer. i've always heard that to intercede is to "stand in the gap" (Ezekiel 22:30). i never really understood what that meant until i started reading this book. i guess i thought it meant just to pray for whatever need was... well... needed... and that, in the process of doing so, the person praying was automatically "standing in the gap". but, no... it seems as though, for effective prayer to occur, the intercessor must come to a place where he/she is literally willing to carry the burden of the one in need of breakthrough. if the need is healing of terminal cancer, the intercessor must be willing to take the place of the one who is sick. the intercessor must literally be willing to sacrifice himself, his time, and his money for the one he is praying for.

essentially, this is one of the primary attributes that makes Jesus unlike any other god men put their faith in:

Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion (Philippians 2:5-8).

but the eternal reward was a heck of a lot better than living a self-pleasing life in this age:

Because of that obedience, God lifted him high and honored him far beyond anyone or anything, ever, so that all created beings in heaven and on earth—even those long ago dead and buried—will bow in worship before this Jesus Christ, and call out in praise that he is the Master of all, to the glorious honor of God the Father (Philippians 2:9-11).

Jesus is the ultimate Intercessor (Hebrews 7:25). He prays for us continually, and the reason His prayers hold such weight before the Father, the reason His death means ANYTHING, is because He, God, was willing to take on human frame. He was willing to become weak, like a man. He was willing to give up His rights, His power, so that with His life-- and death-- He would stand in the gap for the sin of humanity to restore relationship between us and Himself. for some reason, He knew that the payoff would be greater than the suffering He would have to endure before He got to it.

i feel like this is starting to get into my heart a little more. it's starting to get to me that Jesus didn't HAVE to do this... in the sense that, nothing was TAKEN from Him. no one TOOK His life... He gave it.

i think i'm starting to see how, on a smaller level, true intercession is something the God of Heaven is calling His people to. some more than others, perhaps, but... He wants to make our hearts so like His that we feel what He feels for others, that it becomes a joy for us to deny ourselves of legitimate pleasures so that we may see Him victorious in the lives of those for whom we are praying.

how does this relate to ian and josiah? well... for the past year and a half or so, the Lord has just been cultivating this deep love in my heart for babies. especially those who are still in the womb. it's funny... i'm sort of awkward around kids and babies. i don't really know how to take care of them, or to discern what they need, but... i see a pregnant woman, or a newborn, and i just cannot contain the love that springs up in my heart for that baby... and, i don't really think it's the same as my biological clock ticking. there are times when i put my hands on my stomach and have a heart-melting moment as i think upon what it will be like to have a tiny image-bearer inside of me... but, it's a little different with all these babies. i see them, in or out of the womb, and i feel this fierce cry rise up in me, that i will be their voice when they cannot speak, that i will defend them when they cannot defend themselves. if it costs me my life, i will defend these precious warriors.

where the heck does that desire come from? in my human nature, i am full of hell and selfishness. but God has been changing me, little by little, to the point of feeling it would be a joy to give up my rights so that these little ones may live. if that kind of heart change isn't a miracle, i don't know what is.

so, after baby goo left, it just occurred to me that maybe, without me really being aware of it, the Lord has given me a place of authority in praying for unborn babies. maybe there's a place of intercession that i've gained in the past couple of years because God has shared a little bit of His heart with me for the unborn. maybe that's why they kick when i pray.

maybe i'm crazy. could be true.

just because i'm losing doesn't mean that i'm lost.

a quick appraisal of different media i've been listening to/watching/reading...

if you haven't listened to the new coldplay album, you probably should. if you haven't purchased it yet, you should probably do that, too. if you don't have enough money to buy it, you should probably abstain from buying other things of lesser importance* (i.e., food) so that you can have it. maybe i just don't get out enough, but it's really really good. lots of people/bands can write songs that i like, but coldplay just has this remarkable ability to write songs that, on fairly frequent occasion, get into my soul. like, when i'm listening to them, i feel like i'm IN the song. "shiver" is one of those songs, so is "lost"... there's a couple on the new album that just get me. what is very unfortunate, though, is that sometime on saturday i misplaced the cd... before i imported it into Itunes. it's gotta be around here somewhere... *sigh* oh, the irony!

also, the torch family and i went to go see "Get Smart" for Todd's birthday bash, and my oh my... i haven't laughed that hard since napoleon dynamite. i know you would like it. if you want to go see it, you should probably invite me, as i wouldn't mind seeing it again.

finally, and most importantly... i've been reading a book: Rees Howells: Intercessor. it's a biography about this guy (Rees Howells, surprise surprise!) who was a leader during the Welsh revival in the early 20th century. it's really amazing, the relationship this guy had with the Lord... i'm reading it and realizing how much i live and act out of fear of what people will think of me. i think i probably do an awful lot in the name of respectability. i know it's a process, that You are wanting to free me from caring about the opinions of men, but dang... this guy just seemed to get it right pretty quickly. it's really inspiring. why not me? why not you? why not now? you should probably get this book and read it over and over and over again. i know i will.

*food is probably more important than the coldplay album. this was said for comedic effect. i am not held responsible for any malnutrition that results from you following my fake advice.

where did i go wrong? i lost a friend.

i've had a kind of hard and weird few days. simply put, i really miss stephen.

it just sort of hit me a couple days ago. i'm not sure what triggered it. i mean, i have a picture of him and his wife on my bookshelf. i proudly display the "3rd Grade Indian Leg Wrestling Champion" trophy he had made for me in my living room (which, by the way, was hands down the coolest gift anyone has ever gotten me... it's hilarious, and yet... almost makes me cry when i think of how thoughtful it was). so, it's not like i never think of him. i do probably on a regular basis. but, i guess, i usually think of him in the sense that i think about some of my other friends that i hardly ever talk to/see. there is an anticipation, a hope of seeing them again, even if it is in a year.

but on sunday, i was just sort of gripped by the reality that i haven't talked to stephen on the phone in nearly two years. i haven't seen him in nearly four... and unless i just happen to run into him on the streets of virginia, or wherever he lives now, it is unlikely that i will ever see him again.

i think stephen is one of the coolest dudes i've ever known. when i knew him, he was incredibly funny, yet very compassionate. he was a great listener. he was full of the Lord, and would have given away everything he owned just to see God move. i think i learned a lot about communication and transparency from him. i think back and totally think he deserves a gold medal in courage. to this day, he is the only guy who has ever bought me an outfit. he went to the mall with helen one day while i was at work, and bought me an entire outfit-- capri pants, tank top, shirt, sandals-- from the sale rack at american eagle. i was shocked, and even felt a little awkward at receiving the gift, just because... i mean, we weren't dating, and who does that?? but everything fit just right and, four years later, i still wear it. it was just so funny because... he just figured maybe i'd like an outfit, and he had enough confidence that he could find something that i would like.

i talked stephen into seeing napoleon dynamite before anyone knew what the movie was about. i think it was probably my most enjoyable viewing of the movie because i think he almost wet his pants laughing.

there's a lot of other memories, and really, thinking about them is making me sad. but all this is just to say that stephen was a rare find of a person. i don't think i appreciated his awesomeness nearly enough when we knew each other. i wish i had savored the time more.

i pray his life is full of You. i pray he and his lovely one are full of peace and hope and joy. i would really love it if You'd work out some sort of friendship in the future with him and his family.

*sigh*

taste the rainbow.

andy and i saw the most amazing rainbow tonight as we were leaving the OG. just before we went in to eat, you could see the ominous storm approaching, and it was beautiful. on one side of the horizon, it was clear and serene... on the opposite side, the sky was painted with varying shades of gray and deep blues. lightning flashed a bit in the distance. when we exited the restaurant, it was pouring, yet one half of the sky was still clear and the sun was still shining brightly. andy pulled up the car, and pointed to the rainbow.

i've just never seen one so full and bright as i did tonight. all of the colors were defined so beautifully, and both flanks were crystal clear.

i thought of God's mercy as i beheld this sight:

And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."

So God said to Noah, "This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth." (Genesis 9:12-17)

i don't know about you, but i often wonder what God is thinking. like, when it thunders, or when i'm all alone, walking on a beach. God, what are You thinking right now? sometimes i feel confident that i know, other times i have no clue. but what i find really interesting about the aforementioned passage is that it is very clear about what God is thinking at a given moment in time: when you see a rainbow, you can be sure that God is thinking about the covenant He has made with mankind and other living creatures on the earth.

you and i, we probably read this and sort of think whoopty freaking do. thanks for not flooding the entire earth again, God. i know for me, i do not feel the full weight of this covenant. can you imagine what it would have been like for Noah to hear God say this, though? before the flood, Noah spent years of his life building this ark, believing that what God had confided to him was true. he wasn't near any water, but the water was going to come to him. he must have looked crazy to everyone that knew him! but... once the floods came, he spent about a year in a floating box with his family (including a son named Ham) and a bunch of smelly animals. everybody else on the planet died... Noah and his family were the only ones left. can you imagine how traumatic that would have been? i wonder what they talked about when they got off the ark. i wonder, ten years down the road... how did they remember the flood? did Noah tell the story to his grandchildren with a mischievous grin, or were there tears in his eyes, remembering a world he used to know?

so when God spoke of His merciful covenant with Noah, well... i can just imagine Noah thinking about how hard the flood was... how scared his family was, how fearful the animals were, how bad the boat smelled... i can imagine him weeping for days at hearing God's covenant, mostly in awe at the goodness of God, for pulling them all through. that covenant was probably one of the most meaningful things Noah had ever heard.

i don't quite get it yet. i think it's pretty awesome that i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt what God was thinking tonight as the rainbow appeared, but i still think i don't quite understand its meaning.

if you have any ideas, feel free to comment.

He cares about your stuff.

a couple weeks ago there was a small power outage in parts of downtown mt. prospect, which ironically did not affect my starbucks, but DID affect the italian restaurant two doors down from us in the same strip mall.

**on a side note, let me just say that apparently my starbucks has THE most secure electrical source, ever. last august, during that hellish ninja storm that tore through the whole city (but especially mount prospect) and uprooted many trees, my store was almost the only place in a 6-block radius that had power. so, everyone came to us. THAT was crazy.

anyway... back to the story... the owner came into my store that day of the power outage, quite irate that Com Ed (read: same company responsible for taking care of the power lines for the moving schoolhouse) had not fixed the problem yet. his frustration was understandable, not just because he couldn't run his business without power, but more than that because he had several refrigerators and freezers full of valuable food that could easily go bad, and the power had been out for hours.

when i left work that day, i felt like the Lord wanted me to go to the owner and tell him that He (God) cared about his (owner) stuff. so, i did. i prayed with the guy for his business and the perishable food, and left.

i meant to follow up afterwards, but forgot. finally, i saw the owner yesterday as i was taking out the trash. he stopped me and said, "i've been meaning to talk to you. the power came back on less than an hour and a half after you left a couple weeks ago." i thought that was great (albeit, in my opinion, a little slow... :), but i was more concerned about his food. i asked him if all of his food made it, and he said, "yeah! everything was fine! your prayer worked!" it's really cool when people who would not normally attribute something to God working in their lives do. i dig that.

anyway, i didn't really know what to say then, except, "wow. God is good, and He loves you so much. He cares about your stuff." not sure if i should have said more, but it was all true.

yay God!